Well it has been a little while since I blogged...Everything has changed except the important things. I am still married to Billy and we still have 6 kids ha ha. We now live in Portland...Finally...So far I love it here. I really feel a part of the brethren, especially the sisters which is what I needed. I feel like my husband and I have hit a new curve that is only going to make us stronger, and we have really great kids on most days.
I have found new friends, and reconnected with friends making our relationshiops different and better in my opinion. I thought it would be pretty difficult to move and feel a part but from the first Sunday as we set down the brother across from us handed us two song books and on the front page it said Bro Billy and Sis Barbra Reed, it made me feel special for that moment. Then after that there was a bbq at my brother and sister in laws, and I was able to visit with the sisters. I knew most of them from a distance as a kid but it was so fun to see their different personalities and their friendship. It was nice to see that friendship, sometimes we forget we are not just the people who go to church together but that we are family. I think that's what impressed me the most is that feeling of family, like they were all extended family. I could almost see everyone together at holidays, it was great.
My husband hasn't been working a lot since we have been here, but god has deffinately provided. He was promised 60 hours a week, but when we got here there just wasn't enough work to keep him busy more than one day a week. We said a prayer and the next day a brother offered Billy a side job, it got us the amount we needed to pay our phone bill. Then Billy was having me check daily for gigs or day labor on craigs list, he found side work with a lady who has work for close to a month. I was so thankful. Anyway we are going to make it and we can see that light at the end of the tunnel.
My kids as well as my husband are so happy and it's so great to see. The fun loving side of Billy is back and I am thankful. We are praying with the kids almost every night again which is such an encouragement to me. My kids have friends their ages and that is wonderful for them. I also am starting to read a book I was recently entroduced to called "created to be his help meet" by Debi Pearl. I was excited just hearing about it then I read the first couple pages and was even more excited. Anyway we will see if I really like it but so far I am very excited.
I am happy here also which is great for me. I think being happy helps me to feel better mentally as well as physically. I feel rejuvinated, and I hope I can stay that way. Now to find a home of our own....that we can afford...
The Greatest
Little boy in a baseball hat stands in the field with his ball and bat
Says, "I am the greatest player of them all"
Puts his bat on his shoulder and he tosses up his ball.
And the ball goes up and the ball comes down,
Swings his bat all the way around
The world so still you can hear the sound, the baseball falls to the ground.
Now the little boy doesn't say a word, picks up his ball he is undeterred.
Says, "I am the greatest that there has ever been"
And he grits his teeth and he tries again.
And the ball goes up and the ball comes down,
Swings his bat all the way around
The world so still you can hear the sound, the baseball falls to the ground.
He makes no excuses he shows no fear
He just closes his eyes and listens to the cheers.
Little boy he adjusts his hat, picks up his ball, stares at his bat
Says "I am the greatest when the game is on the line"
And he gives his all one last time.
And the ball goes up and the moon so bright
Swings his bat with all his might
The world's as still as still can be, the baseball falls
And that's strike three.
Now it's suppertime and his momma calls,
little boy starts home with his bat and ball.
Says, "I am the greatest, that is a fact,
But even I didn't know I could pitch like that!"
Says, "I am the greatest, that is understood,
But even I didn't know I could pitch that good!"
Today I woke up thinking of John. I thought I might share my memories. John was blonde haired and blue eyed. He was about 2 ft 10 inches, he had a very sturdy build, we always said he would make a great football player. John loved balls, every kind, but his favorite was baseballs and softballs. He hit mom in the face well a couple times, she just didn't react fast enough when he said "ball."
Billy worked out of town ALOT during Johns short life, but everytime he came home John met him at the door and Billy had to carry him everywhere for the time he was home.
John was the only boy at home, for a while anyway, my girls loved Shania Twain, for some reason he loved that song man I feel like a woman. He would sing it so loud and we would all laugh, Billy would get so annoyed. i think it just had a catchy tune ha ha. He loved the song Beautiful Star of Bethlehem. He would say faster mamma and I would sing it faster and faster till I jumbled the words. Then he would giggle so hard.
He had a race car I got for him when he was very small, it set on a shelf most of his life but the last couple months I let him play with it. It was a scale race car, whatever that means ha ha. Anyway after he passed away all of his little cars had raisins in them and this race car, had a broken window and then was stuffed with raisins. Raisins were his favorite I found them in his pockets and of course in all his toys. i found his racecar in a box in the shed the other day. That's probably why I have been thinking about him so much the last couple days. Anyway I still couldn't handle letting Daniel and Ezekiel play with it. I tried but when I started crying Billy took it away from them. I shouldn't be so attached to that silly car. It wasn't even his favorite, to be honest he didn't like to play with it cause it was pretty heavy. But it was the very first car I got him. I also found his baby blanket. I keep one for each of my children. Johns had Winnie the Pooh on it. "The Greatest" I cry everytime I hear it. We played it at Johns funeral, because he was so into baseball. We wanted him to like football but baseball was his game. Anyway a few months before he passed away we heard that song on the radio and Billy and I laughed and said this was gonna be John in a few years. It wasn't meant to be though. Anyway I know I am rambling, just missing my boys today.. You know what is kinda weird though. If John had lived he would be turning 12 in a little over a month, but I still picture him as a two year old. I miss him so much...I would really appreciate your prayers...I just feel sad this morning, it's not like me at all...
Says, "I am the greatest player of them all"
Puts his bat on his shoulder and he tosses up his ball.
And the ball goes up and the ball comes down,
Swings his bat all the way around
The world so still you can hear the sound, the baseball falls to the ground.
Now the little boy doesn't say a word, picks up his ball he is undeterred.
Says, "I am the greatest that there has ever been"
And he grits his teeth and he tries again.
And the ball goes up and the ball comes down,
Swings his bat all the way around
The world so still you can hear the sound, the baseball falls to the ground.
He makes no excuses he shows no fear
He just closes his eyes and listens to the cheers.
Little boy he adjusts his hat, picks up his ball, stares at his bat
Says "I am the greatest when the game is on the line"
And he gives his all one last time.
And the ball goes up and the moon so bright
Swings his bat with all his might
The world's as still as still can be, the baseball falls
And that's strike three.
Now it's suppertime and his momma calls,
little boy starts home with his bat and ball.
Says, "I am the greatest, that is a fact,
But even I didn't know I could pitch like that!"
Says, "I am the greatest, that is understood,
But even I didn't know I could pitch that good!"
Today I woke up thinking of John. I thought I might share my memories. John was blonde haired and blue eyed. He was about 2 ft 10 inches, he had a very sturdy build, we always said he would make a great football player. John loved balls, every kind, but his favorite was baseballs and softballs. He hit mom in the face well a couple times, she just didn't react fast enough when he said "ball."
Billy worked out of town ALOT during Johns short life, but everytime he came home John met him at the door and Billy had to carry him everywhere for the time he was home.
John was the only boy at home, for a while anyway, my girls loved Shania Twain, for some reason he loved that song man I feel like a woman. He would sing it so loud and we would all laugh, Billy would get so annoyed. i think it just had a catchy tune ha ha. He loved the song Beautiful Star of Bethlehem. He would say faster mamma and I would sing it faster and faster till I jumbled the words. Then he would giggle so hard.
He had a race car I got for him when he was very small, it set on a shelf most of his life but the last couple months I let him play with it. It was a scale race car, whatever that means ha ha. Anyway after he passed away all of his little cars had raisins in them and this race car, had a broken window and then was stuffed with raisins. Raisins were his favorite I found them in his pockets and of course in all his toys. i found his racecar in a box in the shed the other day. That's probably why I have been thinking about him so much the last couple days. Anyway I still couldn't handle letting Daniel and Ezekiel play with it. I tried but when I started crying Billy took it away from them. I shouldn't be so attached to that silly car. It wasn't even his favorite, to be honest he didn't like to play with it cause it was pretty heavy. But it was the very first car I got him. I also found his baby blanket. I keep one for each of my children. Johns had Winnie the Pooh on it. "The Greatest" I cry everytime I hear it. We played it at Johns funeral, because he was so into baseball. We wanted him to like football but baseball was his game. Anyway a few months before he passed away we heard that song on the radio and Billy and I laughed and said this was gonna be John in a few years. It wasn't meant to be though. Anyway I know I am rambling, just missing my boys today.. You know what is kinda weird though. If John had lived he would be turning 12 in a little over a month, but I still picture him as a two year old. I miss him so much...I would really appreciate your prayers...I just feel sad this morning, it's not like me at all...
There are days I'd like to be.....
Anywahere but here. I have loved Colorado, my husband and I have lived here for almost 12 years. We really feel that god has shown us it's time to move, however the things we feel need to be there aren't yet. First of all a job for my husband is very important. I can't even look at houses till we know how muh he will make there and what we can afford. I am so very nervous right now. We have had one yard sale that did better in two days than any other yard sale we have ever had. Probably all of them put together. I also was praying the Lord would provide a way, then the next day I was packing a few things I didn't need, and found some things that I dug out of the garbage at a fire job my hubby worked on. It has now come to light that my pretties may be worth a small amount that will deffinately help us get to where we need to be financially to move out of state. Anyway, it looks like the Lord is working it out but in his time and I am very impatient. This is a lesson I know but it's hard to learn when I am worried about my families spiritual wellfare. We are in a bad place right now, and we really need to get to a better place. We need to be needed, then everything will be okay I am sure. Just say a prayer for us, that we will know and be able to do the Lords will. We know God is good he will owrk it out we are just kinda nervous...
Pray for us again...
My husband and I really feel like we are supposed to move to Oregon. We are still praying and unless god changes our minds we will be moving in the next 8 weeks. We have lived here in Grand Junction For about 12 years so it will be a big change, but a much needed one. The little church we have assembled in 11 of those 12 years has closed it's doors and I really want my children to grow up in a smaller assembly. The other church here in town seems so large, and we have a hard time feeling needed. I know everyone says every single person is needed but it's so easy to say there are so many here I am gonna relax this week. I don't want to be in a place where I can allow myself to become lazy. I want to be up and about the Lords business. It's much easy to feel the need in a small assembly.
My husband was telling me the other day he really missed going out and fixing the cooler or mowing the lawn at our little church. I also miss going out to just wash a couple dishes or rearrange the cubbards. I just miss it and though we can't really replace what we had there we can find a similar spot to cut out a nitch...Lord willing we can. Just pray that we make the right decision and make it in the lords time.
My husband was telling me the other day he really missed going out and fixing the cooler or mowing the lawn at our little church. I also miss going out to just wash a couple dishes or rearrange the cubbards. I just miss it and though we can't really replace what we had there we can find a similar spot to cut out a nitch...Lord willing we can. Just pray that we make the right decision and make it in the lords time.
NO MORE BRIDGES!!!
So we went to pick up our girls and we had a wonderful time. We went to seaside then We went through Cannon Beach and to my horror we then visited Astoria. I say to my horror because I am absolutely petrified of the big bridges in Portland. Well if you have been to or over the bridge in Astoria you understand my horror.This is a couple pics my dear hubby took of the bridge in Astoria the Astoria-Megler Bridge.....
And this is one I found on the internet of the same bridge....
When we got there to Portland I mentioned how I had forgotten that fear but it hadn't faded in the least. So a couple hours later Sean decided to take us sight seeing. We went across the highest bridge in Portland and turned around at the bottom and came back, the cries of it's so high as well as look at the water, and the swerving did much to make me feel like vomiting. It helped to know we would have to stop on the bridge if I did vomit. So then he decides to show Billy the submarine...from the TOP OF THE BRIDGE. Oh what a loving brother...not only that he's driving across the bridge hugging the side of it so Billy can see down...I can still hear the tires squealing along the cement structure keeping everyone on the bridge (note...I may be exaggerating a bit here). I was to say the least a little disturbed but I have found yelling or screaming even vomiting would have encouraged both my brother and my husband who can't imagine anyone is really afraid of heights because the view is just so gorgeous. Well that wasn't the end I believe I conquered three bridges in Portland, the Freemont, the Morrison, and I think it was the Sellwood, not real sure of the name, but the one in Astoria almost conquered me. It was the worst.
Billy and Sean were in the front..Sean was talking and I was ignoring paying more attention to my sisters and what they were saying. Then Billy shows me the GPS and it shows the road just running off into the water then more land on the other side. So dumb ole' me asks how do we get over...my husband replies there's just a little bridge across. It ends up being the largest bridge I have ever seen in my life. I begged Billy to let me shop while they crossed it but he didn't want to have any part of our vacation ruined by my absence...It was more horrible than I imagined...starting with the kids talking about it crumbling under us and going as far as Billy shouting out at one point man that's the biggest bridge I've ever seen. To also Sean saying I bet someone would have plenty of time to think twice if they commited suicide off that bridge and ending with Sean pretending to run out of gas on the very pinnacle of the bridge. And then someone said, I'm sure Barbara will go for gas..you bet your bippy I would but I wouldn't be bringing it back I would be paying some driver to take it too them just hoping he was honest enough to stop and help them... not really sure if I would care if he kept going depending on how mad I still was...
As for the bridges I think I can overcome this fear if I take some time and work at it...As a child I was scared to death of the tunnels and now I can go through the Eisenhower tunnel which I think is about 2 miles long without any trouble. It's just gonna take some work. I know I can do it...or at least work hard enough till my fear doesn't show. Facing my fear is what I need to do......I hope....So here's to annoying brothers and just as annoying husbands ha ha. Anyway I guess I am done whining for the day ha ha.
We really did have a great time though. I absolutely loved seaside and as it was my husbands first view of the Ocean he also was enamored... He was like a child running up to and away from the waves it was very enjoyable to watch..I also enjoyed walking the beach with my sister, and the kids. Although I got to the end almost and realized I had saddled Marisela with my 3 younger kids without any help. It made me feel kinda bad. We then went to another beach at Seaside but it was so windy it was terrible. But then we got ice cream and I had the best hot cocoa I have ever tasted..Ya we'll be going back there hopefully soon. ha ha..
Seriously though we aare hoping to be able to move out to Portland in approximately a month and a half. We really need prayers that we are doing what we are supposed to do, we really want to go somewhere, but we want to do only the Lords will. We are waiting for one more confirmation and then we are ready to go. So like I said please say a prayer for us that we will know where to go...
Here are some pics of our wonderful trip and some of the things we saw...
The Ocean at Seaside Oregon
Billy walking along admiring the view at seaside
An area along Cannon Beach
Multnomah Falls
My handsom boy Ezekiel
All the kids we could get out of the van ha ha
I have one more thing to mention...
I have started a new blog names Ask Barb. Just for the fun of it really. Anyway if your interested in that it's at http://askbarb.blogspot.com I would be ever so grateful if youd come check it out and Leave a comment...
And this is one I found on the internet of the same bridge....
When we got there to Portland I mentioned how I had forgotten that fear but it hadn't faded in the least. So a couple hours later Sean decided to take us sight seeing. We went across the highest bridge in Portland and turned around at the bottom and came back, the cries of it's so high as well as look at the water, and the swerving did much to make me feel like vomiting. It helped to know we would have to stop on the bridge if I did vomit. So then he decides to show Billy the submarine...from the TOP OF THE BRIDGE. Oh what a loving brother...not only that he's driving across the bridge hugging the side of it so Billy can see down...I can still hear the tires squealing along the cement structure keeping everyone on the bridge (note...I may be exaggerating a bit here). I was to say the least a little disturbed but I have found yelling or screaming even vomiting would have encouraged both my brother and my husband who can't imagine anyone is really afraid of heights because the view is just so gorgeous. Well that wasn't the end I believe I conquered three bridges in Portland, the Freemont, the Morrison, and I think it was the Sellwood, not real sure of the name, but the one in Astoria almost conquered me. It was the worst.
Billy and Sean were in the front..Sean was talking and I was ignoring paying more attention to my sisters and what they were saying. Then Billy shows me the GPS and it shows the road just running off into the water then more land on the other side. So dumb ole' me asks how do we get over...my husband replies there's just a little bridge across. It ends up being the largest bridge I have ever seen in my life. I begged Billy to let me shop while they crossed it but he didn't want to have any part of our vacation ruined by my absence...It was more horrible than I imagined...starting with the kids talking about it crumbling under us and going as far as Billy shouting out at one point man that's the biggest bridge I've ever seen. To also Sean saying I bet someone would have plenty of time to think twice if they commited suicide off that bridge and ending with Sean pretending to run out of gas on the very pinnacle of the bridge. And then someone said, I'm sure Barbara will go for gas..you bet your bippy I would but I wouldn't be bringing it back I would be paying some driver to take it too them just hoping he was honest enough to stop and help them... not really sure if I would care if he kept going depending on how mad I still was...
As for the bridges I think I can overcome this fear if I take some time and work at it...As a child I was scared to death of the tunnels and now I can go through the Eisenhower tunnel which I think is about 2 miles long without any trouble. It's just gonna take some work. I know I can do it...or at least work hard enough till my fear doesn't show. Facing my fear is what I need to do......I hope....So here's to annoying brothers and just as annoying husbands ha ha. Anyway I guess I am done whining for the day ha ha.
We really did have a great time though. I absolutely loved seaside and as it was my husbands first view of the Ocean he also was enamored... He was like a child running up to and away from the waves it was very enjoyable to watch..I also enjoyed walking the beach with my sister, and the kids. Although I got to the end almost and realized I had saddled Marisela with my 3 younger kids without any help. It made me feel kinda bad. We then went to another beach at Seaside but it was so windy it was terrible. But then we got ice cream and I had the best hot cocoa I have ever tasted..Ya we'll be going back there hopefully soon. ha ha..
Seriously though we aare hoping to be able to move out to Portland in approximately a month and a half. We really need prayers that we are doing what we are supposed to do, we really want to go somewhere, but we want to do only the Lords will. We are waiting for one more confirmation and then we are ready to go. So like I said please say a prayer for us that we will know where to go...
Here are some pics of our wonderful trip and some of the things we saw...
The Ocean at Seaside Oregon
Billy walking along admiring the view at seaside
An area along Cannon Beach
Multnomah Falls
My handsom boy Ezekiel
All the kids we could get out of the van ha ha
I have one more thing to mention...
I have started a new blog names Ask Barb. Just for the fun of it really. Anyway if your interested in that it's at http://askbarb.blogspot.com I would be ever so grateful if youd come check it out and Leave a comment...
My Grandbaby is adorable
As the title inferred I am obsessed with the grandbaby. She is so smart and adorable. Megan is almost 6 months...well tomorrow she will be. We absolutely adore her. I got her a ball that is made out of the same kinda material as the gellee shoes from the 80's. It is basicallt a bunch if holes in the shape of a ball ha ha. Anyway she would try to chew on it and when it wouldn't go in her mouth she would bang it against me like that would fix it and then she would try again. She gets that from me. If it's broken and you hit it against soemthing it might just fix it ha ha. Anyway, then shewas laying on the bed with me last night and she was giggling up a storm so I decided to take a video for the girls. She would stop even smiling for me as soon as I turned the phone on. She is just to smart for her own britches ha ha. She has also figured out how to roll over even when I have her sitting up in the middle of all my pillows. Like I said smartesr baby ever...Anyway didn't really have a lot to say just wanted to brag on Megan...
Sad again
Okay so I just erased everything I had said before because it was a rant about how much I already miss my girls with them being gone for only 5 minutes. But I decided to be more upbeat. I really will miss them make no mistake about that but I know they will get good out of it. Also it will be a learning experience for them. Everyone in Oregon please take good care and be reaaly nice to my babies..
So can't talk about that anymore I will cry some more ha ha sniffle sniffle.
I am at a place where I need to re-evaluate my life. I mean where my life is, my religion is sound, my marriage is sound (don't ask me when I'm mad ha ha), I have a great family, and then I think of my personal warfare. I am failing somewhere and I need to fix it. So even though my load has doubled, I have to do Bobby and Charity's chores ha ha. I have resolved to read my bible way more.
I have been talking to a sister here who has had some struggles with understanding Jacob. Mostly because he had to be dishonest to get his brothers birthright. However, god could have made him born forst and it would have just been his birthright. So why did he have to lie, (when god hates liars) and cheat to get what was orfaned to be his. I can't say as I understand either so I decided to read it through again, just to see where I was and how I felt. I have read the story many times, it is my favorite story in the bible. But I want to read it from this new perspective.
12:03
So I read Genesis 25:23
And the Lord said into her, Two nations are in thy womb,
and two manner of people shall be separated from thy bowels:
and the one people shall be stronger than the other people;
and the elder shall serve the younger.
I guess I am to simple because that says it all to me god said it would be and it was. I do kinda think why did he need his fathers blessing when he already had the birthright. Jacob in my estimation got it back in the face after he served seven years for Rachel and got Leah then had to serve seven more for the wife he really wanted. And Esau could have stayed angry but he forgave him in the end.
I have always loved this particular scripture, and reading it again really gave me strength. It's what I needed, I plan on reading everyday and working on getting myself where I need to be. But right now I have a house to clean and laundry to do. My girls left all their chores for me today ha ha. That's okay I guess I need something to keep my mind busy anyway. So spring cleaning here I come. I also have to get lots of boxes cause I am packing everything that I can so we can get out of here ha ha. We just have to figure out where we are going.
So can't talk about that anymore I will cry some more ha ha sniffle sniffle.
I am at a place where I need to re-evaluate my life. I mean where my life is, my religion is sound, my marriage is sound (don't ask me when I'm mad ha ha), I have a great family, and then I think of my personal warfare. I am failing somewhere and I need to fix it. So even though my load has doubled, I have to do Bobby and Charity's chores ha ha. I have resolved to read my bible way more.
I have been talking to a sister here who has had some struggles with understanding Jacob. Mostly because he had to be dishonest to get his brothers birthright. However, god could have made him born forst and it would have just been his birthright. So why did he have to lie, (when god hates liars) and cheat to get what was orfaned to be his. I can't say as I understand either so I decided to read it through again, just to see where I was and how I felt. I have read the story many times, it is my favorite story in the bible. But I want to read it from this new perspective.
12:03
So I read Genesis 25:23
And the Lord said into her, Two nations are in thy womb,
and two manner of people shall be separated from thy bowels:
and the one people shall be stronger than the other people;
and the elder shall serve the younger.
I guess I am to simple because that says it all to me god said it would be and it was. I do kinda think why did he need his fathers blessing when he already had the birthright. Jacob in my estimation got it back in the face after he served seven years for Rachel and got Leah then had to serve seven more for the wife he really wanted. And Esau could have stayed angry but he forgave him in the end.
I have always loved this particular scripture, and reading it again really gave me strength. It's what I needed, I plan on reading everyday and working on getting myself where I need to be. But right now I have a house to clean and laundry to do. My girls left all their chores for me today ha ha. That's okay I guess I need something to keep my mind busy anyway. So spring cleaning here I come. I also have to get lots of boxes cause I am packing everything that I can so we can get out of here ha ha. We just have to figure out where we are going.
A new day, A new attitude
I realized very early in the morning I have no right to the feelings I am feeling at this moment. Oh not about the boys or leaving here. But I was annoyed at some people for a decision they made. However looking at the situation through my rose colored glasses I thought I was entitled to be annoyed. Well, I'm not. My annoyance or anger won't change a thing it happened it was a decision that was made, and I just need to worry about helping to get things back to normal. I have had some hard feelings because I didn't think it was necassary, but it wasn't my choice to make it was done and there's nothing I can do about it.
I also have a great fear I feel like talking about today. This is something I need to overcome, so please pray for me in this. I have a great fear of losing another child. I break out in a cold sweat almost when my kids tell me they don't feel well. If they vomit it's even worse. And when they get fever I almost go out of my mind with fear. I have prayed that god would help me but I feel like it's my cross to bear. I feel llike god has helped me, don't get me wrong but I feel like I need to overcome. We went to Alaska two years ago almost and it was the hardest trip, in that I missed my kids so much. I had never spent more than two nights away from any one of them up to that point in their lives. Even when Billy and I would leave for an evening or two for our anniversary I would make him go get the kids so they could see our room and swim in the pool. I know I won't have them forever though and I want to enjoy every minute that I do have them. The day is coming in just a few short years that I will have to give my daughters away to their husbands and they won't be mine anymore. It breaks my heart to think of that but I also know it's the best for them. So I will be able to on that day. By sheer force of will ha ha. I have a hard time just letting my kids go. My brother Sean and his wife Marisela are here, and my husband really feels like it would be good for them to go to Oregon for a couple weeks, but it scares me to death. Not that Sean and Marisela wouldn't take good care of them, but they aren't me ha ha. I know that's silly, but I think of all the bad things that can happen, what if Bobby broke her arm, I wouldn't be able to get to her, or if Charity got the flu, I wouldn't be able to sit there and take care of her while I worry. Also Charity has had a lot of back pain lately what if she throws it out, I won't be there to help her at all. I worry like no other, however I also see the great strength my girls can get from this trip. I also see that we would be one step closer to knowing where we are supposed to be. I see how this could help them spiritually as well as emotionally. I have kept them in a little box their whole lives and I know I need to move the walls away and let them start to find their own way, but it's hard for me. They are my babies. But I do think if CSAP testing can be put off my babies are going to Oregon for two weeks. I hope I am doing the right thing cause I am scared. Now you know how much I think of myself that only I could comfort them if they got sick or hurt ha ha..
I also am very tired of being told I shouldn't claim my son. BJ does not share my blood, however he has as big of a place in my heart as my other children. I can't change that, I have known him and been a part of his life as long as my husband has. We found out about him together, and in fact I have spent more time with him than Billy has. Because I spent a lot of days with him while Billy worked. Also if anything is of my husband no matter what it is I have an obligation as a sister, as well as a human being to give it my best to love whatever it or they are. I also have a great ability to love, especially children, that's just who I am and I can't just change it or do it differently. Also, how people think my emotions work, won't change how they really do work. And anyone who feels like they don't think he should be claimed as part of their family are missing out on a great blessing. BJ has been a blessing in my life, without him we wouldn't have Megan for one, and we adore that baby. Another reason is we wouldn't have Shayla in our lives and we also adore her. One more he's made me laugh when I felt like curling in a ball and crying till there was nothing left. When I thought life couldn't possibly ever get worse he made us laugh and realize life goes on and sometimes bad things happen to good people, but what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. I also feel this way because I was adopted, brought in from darkness into a great family. Not by my choice or your choice but because the lord saw something in me that he wanted. How can I deny my family, my son, when I wasn't denied.
I also have a great fear I feel like talking about today. This is something I need to overcome, so please pray for me in this. I have a great fear of losing another child. I break out in a cold sweat almost when my kids tell me they don't feel well. If they vomit it's even worse. And when they get fever I almost go out of my mind with fear. I have prayed that god would help me but I feel like it's my cross to bear. I feel llike god has helped me, don't get me wrong but I feel like I need to overcome. We went to Alaska two years ago almost and it was the hardest trip, in that I missed my kids so much. I had never spent more than two nights away from any one of them up to that point in their lives. Even when Billy and I would leave for an evening or two for our anniversary I would make him go get the kids so they could see our room and swim in the pool. I know I won't have them forever though and I want to enjoy every minute that I do have them. The day is coming in just a few short years that I will have to give my daughters away to their husbands and they won't be mine anymore. It breaks my heart to think of that but I also know it's the best for them. So I will be able to on that day. By sheer force of will ha ha. I have a hard time just letting my kids go. My brother Sean and his wife Marisela are here, and my husband really feels like it would be good for them to go to Oregon for a couple weeks, but it scares me to death. Not that Sean and Marisela wouldn't take good care of them, but they aren't me ha ha. I know that's silly, but I think of all the bad things that can happen, what if Bobby broke her arm, I wouldn't be able to get to her, or if Charity got the flu, I wouldn't be able to sit there and take care of her while I worry. Also Charity has had a lot of back pain lately what if she throws it out, I won't be there to help her at all. I worry like no other, however I also see the great strength my girls can get from this trip. I also see that we would be one step closer to knowing where we are supposed to be. I see how this could help them spiritually as well as emotionally. I have kept them in a little box their whole lives and I know I need to move the walls away and let them start to find their own way, but it's hard for me. They are my babies. But I do think if CSAP testing can be put off my babies are going to Oregon for two weeks. I hope I am doing the right thing cause I am scared. Now you know how much I think of myself that only I could comfort them if they got sick or hurt ha ha..
I also am very tired of being told I shouldn't claim my son. BJ does not share my blood, however he has as big of a place in my heart as my other children. I can't change that, I have known him and been a part of his life as long as my husband has. We found out about him together, and in fact I have spent more time with him than Billy has. Because I spent a lot of days with him while Billy worked. Also if anything is of my husband no matter what it is I have an obligation as a sister, as well as a human being to give it my best to love whatever it or they are. I also have a great ability to love, especially children, that's just who I am and I can't just change it or do it differently. Also, how people think my emotions work, won't change how they really do work. And anyone who feels like they don't think he should be claimed as part of their family are missing out on a great blessing. BJ has been a blessing in my life, without him we wouldn't have Megan for one, and we adore that baby. Another reason is we wouldn't have Shayla in our lives and we also adore her. One more he's made me laugh when I felt like curling in a ball and crying till there was nothing left. When I thought life couldn't possibly ever get worse he made us laugh and realize life goes on and sometimes bad things happen to good people, but what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. I also feel this way because I was adopted, brought in from darkness into a great family. Not by my choice or your choice but because the lord saw something in me that he wanted. How can I deny my family, my son, when I wasn't denied.
Sooooo Sad
Today I am so very sad. The church that we have called our home church for right at 12 years has finally been closed. At first I thought it wouldn't bother me, but I am gonna miss that little building and the few families that were there this last year or so. I have so many wonderful memories there. And sadly part of the reason we fought so hard for it was because of our memories of little John John. Every memory we have of him in church is in that little building.
We have also made the decision to leave here. It looks like we are going to the Tulsa area at this moment...unless god changes our hearts. We have had two places on our minds but we really need to visit to see how we feel. Anyway that's also hard for me and don't laugh but it's because I feel like I am leaving my boys. I know they are with the Lord but it just feels like I am abandoning them. I don't haardly ever visit their graves, because I was kinda taught not to. But it still feels like I'm as close as I can be. I know that very silly but I can't help my feelings. I don't know if I will even post this because it feels like I'm losing it even to my own ears.
Maybe that's why I should post this. I need help right now. I need prayers, I want to be a willing worker of the Lord, I don't want to be weary in well doing. I want to serve the Lord with a smile on my face. I find however that I can't do it without the brethren. I want my newly baptized daughters to be in a place that they can recieve instruction and learn the faith the right way. That they can learn all the things they should do for the brethren. That they can learn to be servants to god and his people. Not that they can't in this place, but I don't feeel like I am close enough to teach tthem at this moment in time. I feel like I have taught them well up to this point but the teachings not over. I just need prayers.
We have also made the decision to leave here. It looks like we are going to the Tulsa area at this moment...unless god changes our hearts. We have had two places on our minds but we really need to visit to see how we feel. Anyway that's also hard for me and don't laugh but it's because I feel like I am leaving my boys. I know they are with the Lord but it just feels like I am abandoning them. I don't haardly ever visit their graves, because I was kinda taught not to. But it still feels like I'm as close as I can be. I know that very silly but I can't help my feelings. I don't know if I will even post this because it feels like I'm losing it even to my own ears.
Maybe that's why I should post this. I need help right now. I need prayers, I want to be a willing worker of the Lord, I don't want to be weary in well doing. I want to serve the Lord with a smile on my face. I find however that I can't do it without the brethren. I want my newly baptized daughters to be in a place that they can recieve instruction and learn the faith the right way. That they can learn all the things they should do for the brethren. That they can learn to be servants to god and his people. Not that they can't in this place, but I don't feeel like I am close enough to teach tthem at this moment in time. I feel like I have taught them well up to this point but the teachings not over. I just need prayers.
Oh sometimes it causes me to tremble....
Today I was thinking of the great power of the lord. I love the lord and Hope I show that in my daily walk, and as I went about my day I glanced at the mountains and saw such great beauty. Not just great beauty but majestic beauty. I also thought about that song "Consider the Lilies". I worry for so many things then I think about that and god is telling us don't worry he's got our backs. I am the worst especially when the kids get sick or I am going through a hard time personally. I think my two oldest daughters have went through more in their short life spans than I have in my 30 odd years. They hardly ever complain and if they do it's over the little stuff. They have taken everything and let it roll off their shoulders. I'm not saying it's not hard for them, but they go through it and then they find a bright spot to look at. Anyway I just thought how I should let more things roll of my back like they do.
God has been so good to me and mine, we could have have had a way harder time at different times and through different trials. However, god has always been there, and walked us through. In fact it actually seems like he carries me more than he walks beside me.
I have always thought of how we lost our boys but today I have a new outlook, they are not lost just gone before me. It really helps to have a better outlook. My sister in law had a miscarriage just the other day and I went to see her last night. She seemed to have an awesome outlook and I am very thankful. She really wanted this baby, and it's very hard that they can't keep it however, they are gonna keep going. It's good to see their strength.
So many have been sick lately with the flu, I have seen such mercy as it has skipped my kids but I worry so much for the ones it hasn't skipped. I know how scared I get when my kids are sick, and I always worry for everyone else too. Tomorrow we are gonna try to make it to Delta for church. It has been quite a while since we have been there and I am excited to try again.
God has been so good to me and mine, we could have have had a way harder time at different times and through different trials. However, god has always been there, and walked us through. In fact it actually seems like he carries me more than he walks beside me.
I have always thought of how we lost our boys but today I have a new outlook, they are not lost just gone before me. It really helps to have a better outlook. My sister in law had a miscarriage just the other day and I went to see her last night. She seemed to have an awesome outlook and I am very thankful. She really wanted this baby, and it's very hard that they can't keep it however, they are gonna keep going. It's good to see their strength.
So many have been sick lately with the flu, I have seen such mercy as it has skipped my kids but I worry so much for the ones it hasn't skipped. I know how scared I get when my kids are sick, and I always worry for everyone else too. Tomorrow we are gonna try to make it to Delta for church. It has been quite a while since we have been there and I am excited to try again.
4-H
So we have made the decision. The three older kids are joining 4-H. I am quite excited, first of all I will be so very busy, and because I will be busy with my kids this time. Usually when I get busy I am doing something that doesn't involve my kids. Elizabeth really wants to learn about baking and decorating cakes. She isn't one of them I have signed up for 4-H however I think I can teach her while I work with Charity. Bobby is doing decorationg clothing, clothing construction, and photography. Charity is doing cake decorating, horseless horse as well as quilting. And Daniel is doing model rocketry, electricity, as well as wood working. Anyway they are all three very excited and I hope things go as well as I plan on them going.
I am nervous about the fair factor...I have only been to a state fair twice and never really looked at the exibits much so I really don't knnow how to put the display together. I hope I figure it out by then ha ha. And I'm sure I will.
Last night my foot once again started hurting it was hhurting really bad, my husband pulled my sock off and it was black all down the side and over one toe. Anyway we called for prayers and prayed ourselves and of course annointed it. It slowly started getting color back. It felt like someone was pokking it with lots of pins, then this morning the black is mostly gone, but it itches really bad and still hurts so I can't scratch it. It is horrible. However we have seen that god has had great mercy on it. Both of my feet hurt, but the left one is way worse, I kinda feel like it is from the nerve damage from when I burned them, but I'm not sure. I believe god knows and I am trying to just leave it in his hands.
I am nervous about the fair factor...I have only been to a state fair twice and never really looked at the exibits much so I really don't knnow how to put the display together. I hope I figure it out by then ha ha. And I'm sure I will.
Last night my foot once again started hurting it was hhurting really bad, my husband pulled my sock off and it was black all down the side and over one toe. Anyway we called for prayers and prayed ourselves and of course annointed it. It slowly started getting color back. It felt like someone was pokking it with lots of pins, then this morning the black is mostly gone, but it itches really bad and still hurts so I can't scratch it. It is horrible. However we have seen that god has had great mercy on it. Both of my feet hurt, but the left one is way worse, I kinda feel like it is from the nerve damage from when I burned them, but I'm not sure. I believe god knows and I am trying to just leave it in his hands.
Overwelmed
I feel overwelmed today. Mostly because I can't talk about what's bothering me ha ha. It just isn't my right to be upset, even though I'm going through a hard thing. It's hard to explain and so I will change the subject.
We are praying about moving again. We have two places in mind and not sure which way to go. We have always wanted to go to Portland, but it has never seemed to work out. We are still praying about that but we feel like the lord has put a different place in our hearts. We both thought of Tulsa Oklahoma. I am nervous because I can't breathe in high heat with lots of humidity. My asthma just goes crazy. I actually have a better time here than in any other place I've ever been. Except Washington. In Elma when I visited I had no problems at all and I loved it there, but my husband is nervous about Washington ha ha. He really hasn't been anywhere other than Brewster so it's kinda like a fear of the unknown. He would really like to live closer to the ocean though. He's never seen the Ocean except in Alaska and would love to be closer to it. So I mentioned Texas but once again the high heat and humidity would be bad for me. I'm also nervous about the snakes, bugs, and tornado's in Oklahoma and Texas. I have mentioned moving to the kids, they would love to go to Oregon but also think Okalahoma would be okay. Like I said though we are really praying about it.
On a brighter note, Megan is doing something new almost every day. It is so exciting, I love hearing her coo and try to talk. It is very exciting. She started baby food just a few days ago and it is so cute to watch her. She loves it but also loves to spit it ha ha. I guess most babies do but it's way cuter when you are watching the mom deal with it than when you are the mom dealing with it ha ha. For Valentines day we got her a toy cell phone. I can't say she loved it though. I think we spoil her to much ha ha.
So Sean and Marisela went through and left the flu...ha ha actually litttle bit prolly got it somewhere else cause she just got it yesterday and they've been gone over a week. But little bit got it first again and she doesn't like to be sick especially if she vomits. So we have had a FUN day hee hee.
My older three kids are probably going to join 4-h this year. We are gonna have a lot of fun and I am super excited. We have never done anything like this before. We are just trying to figure out what happens if we move do we transfer or do we have to come back. It'll still be fun though.
We are praying about moving again. We have two places in mind and not sure which way to go. We have always wanted to go to Portland, but it has never seemed to work out. We are still praying about that but we feel like the lord has put a different place in our hearts. We both thought of Tulsa Oklahoma. I am nervous because I can't breathe in high heat with lots of humidity. My asthma just goes crazy. I actually have a better time here than in any other place I've ever been. Except Washington. In Elma when I visited I had no problems at all and I loved it there, but my husband is nervous about Washington ha ha. He really hasn't been anywhere other than Brewster so it's kinda like a fear of the unknown. He would really like to live closer to the ocean though. He's never seen the Ocean except in Alaska and would love to be closer to it. So I mentioned Texas but once again the high heat and humidity would be bad for me. I'm also nervous about the snakes, bugs, and tornado's in Oklahoma and Texas. I have mentioned moving to the kids, they would love to go to Oregon but also think Okalahoma would be okay. Like I said though we are really praying about it.
On a brighter note, Megan is doing something new almost every day. It is so exciting, I love hearing her coo and try to talk. It is very exciting. She started baby food just a few days ago and it is so cute to watch her. She loves it but also loves to spit it ha ha. I guess most babies do but it's way cuter when you are watching the mom deal with it than when you are the mom dealing with it ha ha. For Valentines day we got her a toy cell phone. I can't say she loved it though. I think we spoil her to much ha ha.
So Sean and Marisela went through and left the flu...ha ha actually litttle bit prolly got it somewhere else cause she just got it yesterday and they've been gone over a week. But little bit got it first again and she doesn't like to be sick especially if she vomits. So we have had a FUN day hee hee.
My older three kids are probably going to join 4-h this year. We are gonna have a lot of fun and I am super excited. We have never done anything like this before. We are just trying to figure out what happens if we move do we transfer or do we have to come back. It'll still be fun though.
Let's go back down to the river....errr baptismal
We are so blessed. Our bobby was baptized in the river in Palisade.
Since Bobby was about ten or twelve she has told me she wanted to be baptised in the river. Her Uncle Sean obliged her, and they both froze. It was very beautiful though.
She had to be double dipped because she picked her foot up.
However finally she was able to get out of the water.
Anyway we got her home and warm, Marisela and I made bread for the supper we had dinner and went all the way back to Palisade for the Ordinance supper. I had some things to work out, and prayed the whole way there. Then when we got there they moved the benches and Shelbi gave her hand to her daddy.
What rejoicing..I expected her to give her hand earlier. But she didn't so I thought I was wrong.
Anyway as we were going to the Orchard Mesa church to use the baptismal I got a phone call
It was my daughter Charity, she was crying saying she thought it was time.
.
We have expected our girls to get baptised together, however we weren't sure Charity was feeling anything. She hadn't talked to us like Bobby did.
Charity also had to be double dipped cause her daddy got very nervous and forgot her name, then her foot also came out of the water.
And these are our three girls together when it was all done.
Since Bobby was about ten or twelve she has told me she wanted to be baptised in the river. Her Uncle Sean obliged her, and they both froze. It was very beautiful though.
She had to be double dipped because she picked her foot up.
However finally she was able to get out of the water.
Anyway we got her home and warm, Marisela and I made bread for the supper we had dinner and went all the way back to Palisade for the Ordinance supper. I had some things to work out, and prayed the whole way there. Then when we got there they moved the benches and Shelbi gave her hand to her daddy.
What rejoicing..I expected her to give her hand earlier. But she didn't so I thought I was wrong.
Anyway as we were going to the Orchard Mesa church to use the baptismal I got a phone call
It was my daughter Charity, she was crying saying she thought it was time.
.
We have expected our girls to get baptised together, however we weren't sure Charity was feeling anything. She hadn't talked to us like Bobby did.
Charity also had to be double dipped cause her daddy got very nervous and forgot her name, then her foot also came out of the water.
And these are our three girls together when it was all done.
Let's All Go Down to the River
I am abundantly blessed. Today my cup is pouring over, I am so very encouraged. As I set here I can hear my 4 youngest children singing church songs and how beautiful it is. They know there is an energy in the air that has been created by the Good Lord. My oldest Daughter Bobby gave her hand to her Uncle Sean last night. I have to say I am so very happy for her.
I am not sure which was happier Bobby or Sean. I really don't think he was expecting it. He knew he had a work to do but I'm not sure he knew it included getting in the freezing river with Bobby today. Since Bobby was about 12 she has told us she wanted to be baptized in the river. So when she told Sean that last night I wasn't surprised however, when we woke up to snow, I thought she might change her mind but she is standing firm on doing it in the river. It kinda brings me comfort that it is in the same river my parents were baptized in. Not that I need comfort right now cause I am doing really awesome. I hope to post pictures soon. But as it won't happen for a couple more hours I don't have them yet ha ha. ANyway just wanted to take a minute to start spreading the news...
I am not sure which was happier Bobby or Sean. I really don't think he was expecting it. He knew he had a work to do but I'm not sure he knew it included getting in the freezing river with Bobby today. Since Bobby was about 12 she has told us she wanted to be baptized in the river. So when she told Sean that last night I wasn't surprised however, when we woke up to snow, I thought she might change her mind but she is standing firm on doing it in the river. It kinda brings me comfort that it is in the same river my parents were baptized in. Not that I need comfort right now cause I am doing really awesome. I hope to post pictures soon. But as it won't happen for a couple more hours I don't have them yet ha ha. ANyway just wanted to take a minute to start spreading the news...
Message from the other side..
So I don't believe in ghosts just so you know ha ha.
On Christmas day this year one of my closest friends Velvadene Bohall Called and asked me to stop by for a minute. I went through my day wondering what in the world could be wrong. Finally our christmas with the family was over and Billy and I drove to Vel"s. SHe handed me this card. Anyway, she explained that she found this card while cleaning the house and she just thought about me the whole time she read it. It was to her and signed by her mom, but she couldn't really remember a time her mom had given it to her. Anyway as she continued to clean she found another one that wasn't signed and felt like she should give it to me. I really felt comforted as I read it. That last year with Sister Betha I would run up there all the time sometimes to whine and a lot of times to just listen to her talk. Anyway I got a lot of comfort from her in that year, I hope I reciprocated at least a little. Anyway this is what the card said,
LIFE'S PATHWAY
At times, life's path
seems filled with things
that make the going rough,
And we wishthere were
a smoother road,
for we feel we've had enough
But, if we pause a moment
and remember Who's in charge,
The hills that loom ahead of us,
no longer seem so large,
And every rock before us,
when we know we're not alone,
Becomes, not just a stumbling block,
but one more stepping stone.
EMILY MATTHEWS
Then you open the inside up and it says,
You've overcome so many things,
and, everytime you've grown
Through Sheer determination
and the wisdom that you've shown.
So, as you face this journey.
from the moment you begin,
Know that God will guide you,
and you'll have the strength to win.
Anyway it really seemed like something Sister Betha would write or even say. It was a great comfort and I just saw the card sitting by my bed on the table and decided to blog about how touching it is every time I read it. I plan to have a great day cause Sean and Marisela are baaack ha ha. I'm hoping to spend some time with them today. I have really missed their girls and little boy to, he says some of the funniest things. Being a grandma, sometimes I forget how fun it is to be an aunt ha ha that sounds silly but it is how I feel ha ha.
On Christmas day this year one of my closest friends Velvadene Bohall Called and asked me to stop by for a minute. I went through my day wondering what in the world could be wrong. Finally our christmas with the family was over and Billy and I drove to Vel"s. SHe handed me this card. Anyway, she explained that she found this card while cleaning the house and she just thought about me the whole time she read it. It was to her and signed by her mom, but she couldn't really remember a time her mom had given it to her. Anyway as she continued to clean she found another one that wasn't signed and felt like she should give it to me. I really felt comforted as I read it. That last year with Sister Betha I would run up there all the time sometimes to whine and a lot of times to just listen to her talk. Anyway I got a lot of comfort from her in that year, I hope I reciprocated at least a little. Anyway this is what the card said,
LIFE'S PATHWAY
At times, life's path
seems filled with things
that make the going rough,
And we wishthere were
a smoother road,
for we feel we've had enough
But, if we pause a moment
and remember Who's in charge,
The hills that loom ahead of us,
no longer seem so large,
And every rock before us,
when we know we're not alone,
Becomes, not just a stumbling block,
but one more stepping stone.
EMILY MATTHEWS
Then you open the inside up and it says,
You've overcome so many things,
and, everytime you've grown
Through Sheer determination
and the wisdom that you've shown.
So, as you face this journey.
from the moment you begin,
Know that God will guide you,
and you'll have the strength to win.
Anyway it really seemed like something Sister Betha would write or even say. It was a great comfort and I just saw the card sitting by my bed on the table and decided to blog about how touching it is every time I read it. I plan to have a great day cause Sean and Marisela are baaack ha ha. I'm hoping to spend some time with them today. I have really missed their girls and little boy to, he says some of the funniest things. Being a grandma, sometimes I forget how fun it is to be an aunt ha ha that sounds silly but it is how I feel ha ha.
A Song and a Prayer
I hope all of you who read this know how well my husband and I are really doing. God has been so very good to us. He has comforted our hearts and put a song in mine again. When we lost John I really quit singing as much. I would sing with others and at church but I had quit singing while doing the dishes and vacuuming the floor. I used to sing to John all the time and when he was no longer there it was hard to have enough joy to sing.
I had a dream, before I knew we were gonna have another baby. In my dream I kept seeing this little boy and I would play with him throughout the dream and then I would lay him down for a nap in his crib. There was no sound with this dream, I dreamed it almost every night for a week and a half. Then after about 10 days, I took a test a found out we were gonna have a baby. At first I was kinda sad, I really didn't want another baby. Not to put it harshly but I have my hands full with my six. I also have a step son and a daughter in law as well as a grand-daughter (who wasn't born yet but I knew she was coming) that require a lot of my attention. I didn't tell anyone but my husband. We both thought about it and decided god knows what he's doing and we will be able to stretch in just the right places and it will be great to have a new baby. So we started to tell just the family. It had been about two weeks from when we found out. It was a Monday night, I dreamed the dream again. This time there was noise I could hear the baby giggle and coo. Then when I laid him down to sleep I said have a good nap Mikey. I woke up the next morning and Billy was already gone to work. I went about my day and essentially forgot about the dream. We went to church and when we got home that night I was getting ready for bed and my husband came into our room and said I have been shown what name we are gonna name the baby. He said we will name him Michael Ray. I was floored cause I hadn't told him about the dream. Mikey is a nickname of Michael. Anyway we went with it from that moment both of us felt we had been shown the baby would be a boy. I was sure everything would be great...
Fast forward 7 months later. The baby is born and isn't granted the breathe of life. It floored me, I didn't understand. I hid the extreme pain I was in from almost everyone. I'm sure everyone knew but I felt like my kids needed to see that life does go on and that death is a part of life that we HAVE to deal with. So then after about a month I really broke down I didn't think I could deal with what we went through and why us AGAIN. It just wasn't fair. Then I realized what a whiny baby I am being. God showed me just the other day that I misunderstood the dream. That I had put my own thoughts and think so's there. My heart and my faith were in the right place, it just wasn't god's will. He needed our little Michael more than we did. He needed Billy Ray more than we did. He needed John more than I did, and in the end who am I. Everything and everyone in my life are borrowed from the Lord. I need to cherish the times I had. I had John for almost two precious years. I had Billy Ray for 2 and a half precious days. And I got to carry Michael for 8 precious months in which I was healthier than I have probably been at any other time in my life. They were three very precious gifts that I wouldn't trade for the entire world. I am thankful for the six children I have and that God granted them the breathe of life and gave me the health to care for them daily. I don't know what tomorrow will bring but today I am thankful I got those boys for the short time I did, I can't be sad at this point today, because they have what I want. I'm not jealous because that would be saying I would be willing to take it from them for myself and I wouldn't. They have a home up in heaven and I strive to get there daily. I wanna be there with them but I can't yet and I hope I can keep this outlook on my life. So I hope nobody thinks me crass or weird?? for not allowing myself to grieve but I loved those boys and if they had lived they would not have wanted me sad all the time so I have to think of the kids I have now, and stay upbeat.
Anyway this is me just rambling about the things that are on my mind..I do that a lot ha ha
I had a dream, before I knew we were gonna have another baby. In my dream I kept seeing this little boy and I would play with him throughout the dream and then I would lay him down for a nap in his crib. There was no sound with this dream, I dreamed it almost every night for a week and a half. Then after about 10 days, I took a test a found out we were gonna have a baby. At first I was kinda sad, I really didn't want another baby. Not to put it harshly but I have my hands full with my six. I also have a step son and a daughter in law as well as a grand-daughter (who wasn't born yet but I knew she was coming) that require a lot of my attention. I didn't tell anyone but my husband. We both thought about it and decided god knows what he's doing and we will be able to stretch in just the right places and it will be great to have a new baby. So we started to tell just the family. It had been about two weeks from when we found out. It was a Monday night, I dreamed the dream again. This time there was noise I could hear the baby giggle and coo. Then when I laid him down to sleep I said have a good nap Mikey. I woke up the next morning and Billy was already gone to work. I went about my day and essentially forgot about the dream. We went to church and when we got home that night I was getting ready for bed and my husband came into our room and said I have been shown what name we are gonna name the baby. He said we will name him Michael Ray. I was floored cause I hadn't told him about the dream. Mikey is a nickname of Michael. Anyway we went with it from that moment both of us felt we had been shown the baby would be a boy. I was sure everything would be great...
Fast forward 7 months later. The baby is born and isn't granted the breathe of life. It floored me, I didn't understand. I hid the extreme pain I was in from almost everyone. I'm sure everyone knew but I felt like my kids needed to see that life does go on and that death is a part of life that we HAVE to deal with. So then after about a month I really broke down I didn't think I could deal with what we went through and why us AGAIN. It just wasn't fair. Then I realized what a whiny baby I am being. God showed me just the other day that I misunderstood the dream. That I had put my own thoughts and think so's there. My heart and my faith were in the right place, it just wasn't god's will. He needed our little Michael more than we did. He needed Billy Ray more than we did. He needed John more than I did, and in the end who am I. Everything and everyone in my life are borrowed from the Lord. I need to cherish the times I had. I had John for almost two precious years. I had Billy Ray for 2 and a half precious days. And I got to carry Michael for 8 precious months in which I was healthier than I have probably been at any other time in my life. They were three very precious gifts that I wouldn't trade for the entire world. I am thankful for the six children I have and that God granted them the breathe of life and gave me the health to care for them daily. I don't know what tomorrow will bring but today I am thankful I got those boys for the short time I did, I can't be sad at this point today, because they have what I want. I'm not jealous because that would be saying I would be willing to take it from them for myself and I wouldn't. They have a home up in heaven and I strive to get there daily. I wanna be there with them but I can't yet and I hope I can keep this outlook on my life. So I hope nobody thinks me crass or weird?? for not allowing myself to grieve but I loved those boys and if they had lived they would not have wanted me sad all the time so I have to think of the kids I have now, and stay upbeat.
Anyway this is me just rambling about the things that are on my mind..I do that a lot ha ha
One Day I will
I am so undecided about how I feel I wanna say...I am happy. But that kinda seems wrong of me because our baby just died. However that's how I feel. I feel like God has been so good to us, what right do I have to be sad all the time. I don't want to be sad or unhappy, though I have my days today I am happy. God has had great mercy on me and my children.
The week before last I started getting dizzy every time I stood up. I can deal with that so I just kept going after a day of that if I wasn't careful I would faint, then a day after that I started having extreme stomach pains. I was starting to get scared and my husband was pretty worried, my eyes were getting dark. So we prayed and I felt I was shown to stop drinking the Pepsi throwback that I had started drinking. It all stopped. Aparently I can't have something in it which is weird cause it's only regular sugar. I am however gonna stick with what I've been shown and stay away from it.
Elizabeth has had a slight cough for a couple weeks, on Tuesday she was sitting on the couch and all the sudden started complaining of chest pains. It scared me really bad. I went in my room and was just finished praying, I had sat on my bed and Faith my baby came in and said, "mommy we need to call the elders". I knew why she wanted to but I wanted to hear her reasoning so I asked her why. She basically told me that if she had hurt her wrist she would want me to call the elders and since Elizabeths chest hurt that she really needed them so god could have mercy. I called my husband and told him and he immediately called them to pray at home or work because it was the middle of the day. So anyway Elizabeth felt so much better today, I am so very thankful.
Bobby has an admirer. She is not allowed to date until she is 16 however we have allowed her to talk to the boy by text and phone. I have been so enthused by her grownup attitude. She really likes this boy but she understands our position and has chosen to follow the rules, and not beg or fight us. I am so thankful for her right now she's been such a comfort this last month I don't know what I would do without her.
Megan is the cutest baby ever... have probably said that more times than I can count. She has started touching my face with her little fist when I talk to her it is so adorable. I had a hard time holding her for a little bit just a couple weeks but now that I'm over that(thank the lord)she doesn't want me to put her to sleep. It's kinda funny cause we have to be playing or I have to be talking and she won't lay back in my arms. She's such a smart baby. We do adore her.
Anyway just giving a small update..
The week before last I started getting dizzy every time I stood up. I can deal with that so I just kept going after a day of that if I wasn't careful I would faint, then a day after that I started having extreme stomach pains. I was starting to get scared and my husband was pretty worried, my eyes were getting dark. So we prayed and I felt I was shown to stop drinking the Pepsi throwback that I had started drinking. It all stopped. Aparently I can't have something in it which is weird cause it's only regular sugar. I am however gonna stick with what I've been shown and stay away from it.
Elizabeth has had a slight cough for a couple weeks, on Tuesday she was sitting on the couch and all the sudden started complaining of chest pains. It scared me really bad. I went in my room and was just finished praying, I had sat on my bed and Faith my baby came in and said, "mommy we need to call the elders". I knew why she wanted to but I wanted to hear her reasoning so I asked her why. She basically told me that if she had hurt her wrist she would want me to call the elders and since Elizabeths chest hurt that she really needed them so god could have mercy. I called my husband and told him and he immediately called them to pray at home or work because it was the middle of the day. So anyway Elizabeth felt so much better today, I am so very thankful.
Bobby has an admirer. She is not allowed to date until she is 16 however we have allowed her to talk to the boy by text and phone. I have been so enthused by her grownup attitude. She really likes this boy but she understands our position and has chosen to follow the rules, and not beg or fight us. I am so thankful for her right now she's been such a comfort this last month I don't know what I would do without her.
Megan is the cutest baby ever... have probably said that more times than I can count. She has started touching my face with her little fist when I talk to her it is so adorable. I had a hard time holding her for a little bit just a couple weeks but now that I'm over that(thank the lord)she doesn't want me to put her to sleep. It's kinda funny cause we have to be playing or I have to be talking and she won't lay back in my arms. She's such a smart baby. We do adore her.
Anyway just giving a small update..
On the Jericho Road
I had a very interesting Saturday. God showed me in a very unusual way what great mercy he has had on me. My husband and I have a little side job that we do every other week. This last week was our "delivery week". Well we got up Saturday and had breakfast, then we headed out to get our "job" done. Before we realized it we were done and it was 6 p.m. I hadn't eaten since breakfast, so I came home and ate a little bit. My baby Faith was playing in her room, and I walked through her room to the bathroom. I remember feeling a little dizzy, but thought it would pass. The next thing I remember was lying on the floor with Faith yelling "she's Dead" "she's dead" and she was jumping on me. I couldn't open my eye's though. It was like a dream that I couldn't wake up from. After a few minutes I could hear Billy talking to me but couldn't understand what he was saying really. Except he kept saying my name. Anyway finally I got my eyelids to cooperate and got up off the floor. I didn't feel bad at all, I was just dizzy. Anyway, I waited a little bit to make sure I was okay then I called Faith into my room and asked what happened. She said, "why was you pretending to be dead you scared me." This made me feel horrible she's just a baby she shouldn't have these fears. So I talked to her and explained that sometimes that happens and mommy kinda falls asleep while she's walking. She looked at me with those beautiful eyes and said "you never did that before." What a blessing that she has never experienced me fainting before. She is 5 and didn't know this could happen. It was common for Bobby and Charity to find me in the middle of the floor and me to wake up to them eating microwaved Ramen noodles. Or playing candy land. I hadn't realized it had been so long. At least two years, since the last episode. Once again a huge blessing. Faith and I had a long talk about how you shouldn't JUMP yes jump on dead people, and how you should go get daddy if ever you were to think someone was dead. Then I had to talk to her long and hard about not telling the preschool teacher that mommy died. My life is never boring ha ha.
We made it through the first semester of school with passing grades...barely. We were working to the deadline and got all the extra work in, but just barely. Bobby had a few d's and so did Charity. Our goal for the next semester is no D's. C's or better are the only acceptible grades. So that means more work all around. I have to write down their work and check it once a week. Just to make sure it gets done. We are in a program where I am NOT the teacher but I am an assistant to make sure the work is getting completed. The end of November and throuh December I did a horrible job. I didn't keep up at all so this time I am on top of things. So far so good that's only two weeks in though so I hope we can stick to our goals.
Rachelle seems so much better this week. God is really having mercy on her. She returned to school today, I was nervous but hopefully all is well. She has just been so tired, so please just continue to pray for her..
We made it through the first semester of school with passing grades...barely. We were working to the deadline and got all the extra work in, but just barely. Bobby had a few d's and so did Charity. Our goal for the next semester is no D's. C's or better are the only acceptible grades. So that means more work all around. I have to write down their work and check it once a week. Just to make sure it gets done. We are in a program where I am NOT the teacher but I am an assistant to make sure the work is getting completed. The end of November and throuh December I did a horrible job. I didn't keep up at all so this time I am on top of things. So far so good that's only two weeks in though so I hope we can stick to our goals.
Rachelle seems so much better this week. God is really having mercy on her. She returned to school today, I was nervous but hopefully all is well. She has just been so tired, so please just continue to pray for her..
Encouraged
I am so encouraged right now. I have had a lot of issues that nobody really knew about things that were so hard to deal with. Some things between my husband and I, things that happened when my baby was born that were very hard to get over with. I felt I wasn't entitled to my feelings that I was wrong and hurting for the wrong reasons. Human feelings that were destroying me. I talked to my husband and we talked to an elder who basically said we were second guessing ourselves. That seems silly and obvious but to hear it outright just put my ducks back in their rows and helped me through. I have reset my feelings and I am doing so much better. I have resolved to visit more, help more and be the best sister I can be.
Tonight my family is going to Brother Joshua and Sister Kayleens house and we are taking dinner. We hope to help encourage them. Lord willing we will be in heaven for eternity with them and we want them to know how loved they are. We plan to start with one family a week and visit them all. This is just a start I hope. I want to be encouraged and nnot sad or down. Everyone needs to help me and tell me not to look at the bad side..Look at the bright side of everything.
I joined Secret sisters this year again and I am so enthused. This one sister chosen by fate or whatever you wanna call it...I drew her name from a hat kinda...will recieve my thoughts almost everyday this year. I bought several cards to give herwith gifts and if I feel to I will mail her a card. I think this is an extension to my living the faith. Showing this special sister that she is loved all year this year if I can. And I can ha ha..
I keep hearing these stories about my dad and I love hearing them. It really encourages me to hear how much he loved the brethren. How much he loved the lord and especially how much he loved his family. I miss him soo much and he has been gone for 16 years. It's not like that hole gets smaller..It will always be. I found a new picture of John my son who has been gone for about 10 years well almost. Anyway it's a picture at my brothers wedding and I get so much joy from seeing him on my sister in laws wall. It means so much to me to know he touched others peoples lives and that he is still remembered. He was so precious to me, and his pictures are just as precious..well almost.
My sister Dawnette married a man in the world. He is a very nice man, and is part of our family. A couple weeks ago their oldest daughter got sick and he took her to the hospital. She was diagnosed with Lupus.. This is such a hard trial for my sister, her husband, and her daughter to go through. Rachelle is just 14 and has this disease that will probably be with her the rest of her life. I say probably because according to the doctors it is un-healable. But I know God can have mercy and heal her. My sister got a profocy that told her god brought this trial for a reason and he would be with her through it. This was a great comfort for her but also she felt like it was saying Rachelle won't be healed anytime soon. Anyway I just wanted to ask for your prayers fro my sister.
Tonight my family is going to Brother Joshua and Sister Kayleens house and we are taking dinner. We hope to help encourage them. Lord willing we will be in heaven for eternity with them and we want them to know how loved they are. We plan to start with one family a week and visit them all. This is just a start I hope. I want to be encouraged and nnot sad or down. Everyone needs to help me and tell me not to look at the bad side..Look at the bright side of everything.
I joined Secret sisters this year again and I am so enthused. This one sister chosen by fate or whatever you wanna call it...I drew her name from a hat kinda...will recieve my thoughts almost everyday this year. I bought several cards to give herwith gifts and if I feel to I will mail her a card. I think this is an extension to my living the faith. Showing this special sister that she is loved all year this year if I can. And I can ha ha..
I keep hearing these stories about my dad and I love hearing them. It really encourages me to hear how much he loved the brethren. How much he loved the lord and especially how much he loved his family. I miss him soo much and he has been gone for 16 years. It's not like that hole gets smaller..It will always be. I found a new picture of John my son who has been gone for about 10 years well almost. Anyway it's a picture at my brothers wedding and I get so much joy from seeing him on my sister in laws wall. It means so much to me to know he touched others peoples lives and that he is still remembered. He was so precious to me, and his pictures are just as precious..well almost.
My sister Dawnette married a man in the world. He is a very nice man, and is part of our family. A couple weeks ago their oldest daughter got sick and he took her to the hospital. She was diagnosed with Lupus.. This is such a hard trial for my sister, her husband, and her daughter to go through. Rachelle is just 14 and has this disease that will probably be with her the rest of her life. I say probably because according to the doctors it is un-healable. But I know God can have mercy and heal her. My sister got a profocy that told her god brought this trial for a reason and he would be with her through it. This was a great comfort for her but also she felt like it was saying Rachelle won't be healed anytime soon. Anyway I just wanted to ask for your prayers fro my sister.
Megan Ann Simpson
I never would have thunk it... I am a grandmother and youngish ha ha. Megan is so beautiful. She is almost 4 months old, our first grandbaby, and a new light to our whole family. She is the very most wonderful baby ever or at least since the last wonderful baby that wasn't mine ha ha...Tonight as I held her she just wasn't happy. Sometimes that happens she has bad days too. Anyway I got her calmed down by letting her watch the television. Then Grandpa (aka Billy) decided he wanted her. It took her about a minute and a half to realize it wasn't Grandma holding her anymore. She flipped out, crying and fussing, I took her back sat her back in my lap and she was fine once again. Then I decided to talk to her so I turned her around and started to tell her how she had hurt Grandpa's feelings and she started to coo at me. Only when she coo's it's like she really is trying to talk it's so adorable. She also tries to sing when she hears music..also adorable. I can't wait till her first birthday already have her presents picked out and will probably add to what I want her to have already ha ha.
I am doing so much better this week and God is so good to us. Sean and Marisela made it for Christmas. It was a very awesome affair. I don't have pictures yet but I will be getting them soon so I can post a few. It has been about ten years since the last time my whole family was together so it was way awesome. It was nice to have Naomi here too. She helped me through a couple really hard days. She probably didn't even know I was having a hard time but I am thankful to her none the less.
Naomi did officially name my family a family of nerds.. We all like to play video games of one sort or another, and though we didn't have much money we did all get a game. It was a very nice christmas all around though, and being able to share it with the kids for Megans first Christmas was very nice. Anyway just wanted to drop a line real quick and got a few lines ha ha
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