I realized very early in the morning I have no right to the feelings I am feeling at this moment. Oh not about the boys or leaving here. But I was annoyed at some people for a decision they made. However looking at the situation through my rose colored glasses I thought I was entitled to be annoyed. Well, I'm not. My annoyance or anger won't change a thing it happened it was a decision that was made, and I just need to worry about helping to get things back to normal. I have had some hard feelings because I didn't think it was necassary, but it wasn't my choice to make it was done and there's nothing I can do about it.
I also have a great fear I feel like talking about today. This is something I need to overcome, so please pray for me in this. I have a great fear of losing another child. I break out in a cold sweat almost when my kids tell me they don't feel well. If they vomit it's even worse. And when they get fever I almost go out of my mind with fear. I have prayed that god would help me but I feel like it's my cross to bear. I feel llike god has helped me, don't get me wrong but I feel like I need to overcome. We went to Alaska two years ago almost and it was the hardest trip, in that I missed my kids so much. I had never spent more than two nights away from any one of them up to that point in their lives. Even when Billy and I would leave for an evening or two for our anniversary I would make him go get the kids so they could see our room and swim in the pool. I know I won't have them forever though and I want to enjoy every minute that I do have them. The day is coming in just a few short years that I will have to give my daughters away to their husbands and they won't be mine anymore. It breaks my heart to think of that but I also know it's the best for them. So I will be able to on that day. By sheer force of will ha ha. I have a hard time just letting my kids go. My brother Sean and his wife Marisela are here, and my husband really feels like it would be good for them to go to Oregon for a couple weeks, but it scares me to death. Not that Sean and Marisela wouldn't take good care of them, but they aren't me ha ha. I know that's silly, but I think of all the bad things that can happen, what if Bobby broke her arm, I wouldn't be able to get to her, or if Charity got the flu, I wouldn't be able to sit there and take care of her while I worry. Also Charity has had a lot of back pain lately what if she throws it out, I won't be there to help her at all. I worry like no other, however I also see the great strength my girls can get from this trip. I also see that we would be one step closer to knowing where we are supposed to be. I see how this could help them spiritually as well as emotionally. I have kept them in a little box their whole lives and I know I need to move the walls away and let them start to find their own way, but it's hard for me. They are my babies. But I do think if CSAP testing can be put off my babies are going to Oregon for two weeks. I hope I am doing the right thing cause I am scared. Now you know how much I think of myself that only I could comfort them if they got sick or hurt ha ha..
I also am very tired of being told I shouldn't claim my son. BJ does not share my blood, however he has as big of a place in my heart as my other children. I can't change that, I have known him and been a part of his life as long as my husband has. We found out about him together, and in fact I have spent more time with him than Billy has. Because I spent a lot of days with him while Billy worked. Also if anything is of my husband no matter what it is I have an obligation as a sister, as well as a human being to give it my best to love whatever it or they are. I also have a great ability to love, especially children, that's just who I am and I can't just change it or do it differently. Also, how people think my emotions work, won't change how they really do work. And anyone who feels like they don't think he should be claimed as part of their family are missing out on a great blessing. BJ has been a blessing in my life, without him we wouldn't have Megan for one, and we adore that baby. Another reason is we wouldn't have Shayla in our lives and we also adore her. One more he's made me laugh when I felt like curling in a ball and crying till there was nothing left. When I thought life couldn't possibly ever get worse he made us laugh and realize life goes on and sometimes bad things happen to good people, but what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. I also feel this way because I was adopted, brought in from darkness into a great family. Not by my choice or your choice but because the lord saw something in me that he wanted. How can I deny my family, my son, when I wasn't denied.
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