Mary or Martha

Today I contemplated am I Mary or am I Martha, which is the better to be?  Martha worked hard for her family and made sure everything got done as Mary sat at the lords feet and was spiritually fed.  I find that the 24 hours I am allotted each day doesn't get spent doing all I should in any aspect.  My house could be cleaner, my bible could and should be read more, I could visit more.  I can let my 24 hours each day become a worry about getting my house perfect, or visiting my friends, or reading my bible.  But I find many days though I'm not idle, I just don't get what needs to get done finished.  I have been working on a quilt since march, a quilt that usually takes me two weeks tops to finish.  But it's still not done we are in July now, it's not because I am working on any other thing but because I have felt slighted or cheated.  How can I make a blanket for a baby when I couldn't keep my own.  In the end I find this selfishness revolting.  How can I be so selfish about this beautiful gift.  The fact that someone else had a healthy baby does not mean they are better or that I am worse, just that god has a plan and I wasn't meant to keep Gabriel.  I also realized I didn't take time to mourn when it happened but now when all should be quiet in my life I find myself neck deep in the sorrow of losing a baby 7 months ago.  Yes I accepted it as gods will at the time, but then later I allowed myself to question.  It's made for a hard month.  I realize I can take on to much then I just give up so I resolve to be more Mary hearted while being Martha minded.  That sounds silly but Mary seemed to have an open heart ready to listen for spiritual strength, while Martha had the mind to serve her company and keep things flowing.  I want the best of both, I want to be able to take care of my family but also be willing to listen when The Lord wants to feed me.  Or when he wants me to feed someone else.  I find in 24 hours I find the time once to pray, to actually close my eyes and talk with The Lord, I am confident he hears all my prayers but I really feel a connection when I am able to center myself on speaking with The Lord.  This is my Martha heart, I need to banish it.  I also realize we live in a Martha world, everyone is to busy living their lives and taking care of their families to notice their worth.  Don't get me wrong being a mom is so very important.  It's perhaps one of the most important jobs I have ever had.  It is also pretty close to being the most rewarding, however in this day and age it feels like we allow the daycare provider or babysitter to have the most say with our children.  Even when we don't, when we are home with them constantly so many of us just turn on the tv for a babysitter, yes that ones me.  I have done that several times and really often when my youngest was a toddler because it was easier.  That didn't make it right.  I find we could take that hour and build good memories.  Help our children bake cookies then take a plate to an elderly person in our lives.  Or just go to someone's house and help them fold laundry and teach this to our children.  I find I was better at teaching these things to my older girls than I have been with my little ones.  I find so many places for improvement that I am actually over whelmed tonight.  I need to pray about this some more and really think about what I can do with my day to not only make it more productive but to make it more spiritual.  Just my thoughts today :-)