Just sad today

It has been a while since my last post. I lost focus and to be honest interest. Today I realized how much I miss it. I have actually had a pretty sad day. Nothing really happened and nobody called but I have been sad nonetheless. I don't really know what caused my sadness.. It has been 5 months since we lost Gabriel and I have been doing good, I thought I had worked through my grief in the right way. Then today was like being hit with a ton of bricks. But I decided to blog because I know it can be therapeutic.. It has helped in the past anyway. I thought of all that god has done for me and where I was when we moved to this assembly and where I am now. I really have grown in so many ways. It's amazing looking back. I have grown as a wife, that I can support my husband more without complaint. I have grown as a mother that I can listen to my children. I have grown as a servant of The Lord in so many ways. But mostly I see I have grown as a human being. When we moved here I can remember what a nag I was. I harped on anything billy did that I perceived as wrong and made sure he knew it was a mistake. Our marriage was in bad shape and we weren't seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. But not long after we moved here the sisters started reading a self help book. I really only agreed to get to know the sisters here better, but I took it seriously. I compared the things written I. This book to what I was taught and looked it up in my bible. I realized what a mistake I was making with my husband. In the way I treated him and in the way I talked to him. I was able to correct my naughty behavior as well as get over some anger I had towards him and we are doing better now than we ever did before I think. I realized he didn't need my negativity, that it just brought him down. I also realized that I needed to worry and work on myself. When I admit a fault I no longer say we felt or we feel, I say I felt or I feel. I don't feel like its right in most situations for me to put words in his mouth. I just felt like this book put into words what I was looking for but couldn't find. The advice I needed without telling someone what was happening in my life. My children have grown and changed so much. I realized one day that I was still correcting my 16 and 17 year olds like they were 5 or 6. Don't get me wrong they have moments when they act that way, but part of that is I was still seeing them as babies. They are almost grown women and as they grew apparently I missed it cause bam their almost adults over night. I realized as a mom I need to back off a little. I don't need to hold their hands all the time anymore. I might want to but they don't need me to. Bobby has been engaged and broken that off, then been in two other relationships. This really is a big thing because she really is making some grown up decisions and I was still treating her like a kid. She needed to be treated like an adult. So I'm changing my ways slowly but surely. I even let her drive to the store by herself four times now!! Yes this is a big deal lol. Charity is also growing up, she is in GED classes and has to stand up for herself and ask for help. Watching the girls I have learned that I have taught them right, now I need to set back and let the fruit grow? Lol When we moved here I completely had a part of myself reserved. I wanted to hold back a part so I would never be hurt like I was in the past. But I realized when living the faith it's all or nothing, I can't give a potion and receive all the benefit from it. So I have been trying to give more.. There are so many struggles in life, but overcoming and pushing through really is all I can do at this point. There will always be a broken part of me a place that is a hole, because I have lost my boys. However, I have also been blessed with my 6 children and wouldn't trade them for the world. I don't ever want to go through having another child. Yes I have changed my mind I. The past can't guarantee that would never happen again but at this point I don't ever want to go through another pregnancy. This last one was so hard on my body. Not just my body but my heart and mind. I was super sick but I felt like I was going to get to keep the baby. He moved around so much and I was so thankful then about a month before he was born I felt like something was different. I convinced myself it was just my imagination. Then a few days before he was born he quit moving, but I convinced myself there just wasn't any room left for him to move. Then he was born and never took a breath, just heart breaking. Then not only did I not have a baby but we had to get rid of all the baby stuff I had.. This is the second time I've been through this and I don't think I would survive it again. This time my arms didn't ache like they did the last time and I'm thankful for that. I don't know why these things were on my mind so strong today but I felt like sharing so I did.