I hope all of you who read this know how well my husband and I are really doing. God has been so very good to us. He has comforted our hearts and put a song in mine again. When we lost John I really quit singing as much. I would sing with others and at church but I had quit singing while doing the dishes and vacuuming the floor. I used to sing to John all the time and when he was no longer there it was hard to have enough joy to sing.
I had a dream, before I knew we were gonna have another baby. In my dream I kept seeing this little boy and I would play with him throughout the dream and then I would lay him down for a nap in his crib. There was no sound with this dream, I dreamed it almost every night for a week and a half. Then after about 10 days, I took a test a found out we were gonna have a baby. At first I was kinda sad, I really didn't want another baby. Not to put it harshly but I have my hands full with my six. I also have a step son and a daughter in law as well as a grand-daughter (who wasn't born yet but I knew she was coming) that require a lot of my attention. I didn't tell anyone but my husband. We both thought about it and decided god knows what he's doing and we will be able to stretch in just the right places and it will be great to have a new baby. So we started to tell just the family. It had been about two weeks from when we found out. It was a Monday night, I dreamed the dream again. This time there was noise I could hear the baby giggle and coo. Then when I laid him down to sleep I said have a good nap Mikey. I woke up the next morning and Billy was already gone to work. I went about my day and essentially forgot about the dream. We went to church and when we got home that night I was getting ready for bed and my husband came into our room and said I have been shown what name we are gonna name the baby. He said we will name him Michael Ray. I was floored cause I hadn't told him about the dream. Mikey is a nickname of Michael. Anyway we went with it from that moment both of us felt we had been shown the baby would be a boy. I was sure everything would be great...
Fast forward 7 months later. The baby is born and isn't granted the breathe of life. It floored me, I didn't understand. I hid the extreme pain I was in from almost everyone. I'm sure everyone knew but I felt like my kids needed to see that life does go on and that death is a part of life that we HAVE to deal with. So then after about a month I really broke down I didn't think I could deal with what we went through and why us AGAIN. It just wasn't fair. Then I realized what a whiny baby I am being. God showed me just the other day that I misunderstood the dream. That I had put my own thoughts and think so's there. My heart and my faith were in the right place, it just wasn't god's will. He needed our little Michael more than we did. He needed Billy Ray more than we did. He needed John more than I did, and in the end who am I. Everything and everyone in my life are borrowed from the Lord. I need to cherish the times I had. I had John for almost two precious years. I had Billy Ray for 2 and a half precious days. And I got to carry Michael for 8 precious months in which I was healthier than I have probably been at any other time in my life. They were three very precious gifts that I wouldn't trade for the entire world. I am thankful for the six children I have and that God granted them the breathe of life and gave me the health to care for them daily. I don't know what tomorrow will bring but today I am thankful I got those boys for the short time I did, I can't be sad at this point today, because they have what I want. I'm not jealous because that would be saying I would be willing to take it from them for myself and I wouldn't. They have a home up in heaven and I strive to get there daily. I wanna be there with them but I can't yet and I hope I can keep this outlook on my life. So I hope nobody thinks me crass or weird?? for not allowing myself to grieve but I loved those boys and if they had lived they would not have wanted me sad all the time so I have to think of the kids I have now, and stay upbeat.
Anyway this is me just rambling about the things that are on my mind..I do that a lot ha ha
5 comments:
I am so glad that you are feeling some of the same things that I have felt. I realize that my pain is no where near to yours... I lost grandbabies, not my own children. But some of what you have described has been what I have felt in my own soul. I wouldn't call my Elijah or Koby back. They have an entrance to heaven and I cherish that hope so much! And while I wait and watch here on earth, I will thank God continually for my dear children and children's children that God has given me to love!
I am so thankful to hear your pain has eased and the Lord has given you such a good mind. You are a great example. Keep pressing in there. It will be well worth it :)
Sis Lori-Grandchildren are extensions of our children. I have as much love for Megan as I do for my own children. So I can see where you would go through the same things. I couldn't imagine losing our little Megan.
Marisela-Well it has taken some fasting and praying to get to this point but I have really truly been comforted by the Lord. That's the only place this acceptance could have come from. Cause it wasn't there a few weeks ago.
Barby, I have been praying for you. I want you to know that I have a copy of a CD that you and a couple of others made, and I really enjoy it. It is a blessing when those who have the God-given talent to sing well are willing to share it with others.
Anonymous-It's been a while since I was called that ha ha...brings back some good memories...That must be the CD I made with my sisters, a couple years ago. It's the only one I remember making hee hee.
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