only 6 more days

Only 6 more days to Christmas and my kids are so excited. I have barely made it to go shopping for four of them. I haven't went for my grandbaby Megan or BJ and Shayla. Not to mention we are having a large family get together on Christmas Day and I have done NO shopping for that. I am really not in the mood for Christmas this year. It was supposed to be a very different holiday. I was supposed to have a baby boy, and since I don't I feel like something is seriously missing. This is probably going to sound so silly, but I feel like my arms are empty all the time. They hurt cause it feels like I should be holding something and am forcing them to be straight. I know I said it would be weird.
I had a good cry the other day and it was very healing. My husband and I were talking and he just said he didn't understand, and I just spilled all my feelings about how I should have done a few things different. I also told him we can look back and say this should have been this way and that should have been that way. But we will never know what really would have happened if we had changed everything. Gods will is supreme and it will be done no matter what our thoughts are. It just seems wrong because and don't take this the wrong way but we have kids now that we wanted less at the time than Michael. We were so excited for him to get here. More than any of our other children to be honest. I can't really explain but it felt like, he was gonna be our last so we were gonna do it up right and go all out. I hope that doesn't come off wrong but that's how I felt anyway.
Now I keep hearing people say, "oh your young you can have another baby". I want everyone to know first of all this is very inconsiderate and not a comfort at all. First of all NO baby can ever replace Michael. And also I HAVE SIX KIDS!!! Michael was a surprise. He would have been adored and well cared for, but I don't wanna be pregnant EVER again. Mostly because I don't do well pregnant. I get sick easily and smell things nobody else does, and did I mention the vomitting. Well, with all except Michael anyway. I was very healthy and it was the best pregnancy I had ever had. But that isn't status quo. I normally llose between 15 and 60 pounds so just to wrap up it's not a comfort to hear I can have more kids. Even though I know I really can, I really don't wanna. However, I would love to have another baby. I know I'm a woman and I don't make since. I wanna adopt maybe ha ha. Not really, cause Billy would NEVER agree. He thinks I work too hard as is..oh well.
Well thanks for taking the time to read my ramblings.