Today I titled my post "In God's Hands" because that's where I have to leave things. Sometimes things happen that seem at the time to much to bear and then you realize later how much God really knows what he's doing. We have been so excited for months about our new baby. We have had his name picked from the first week we knew we were gonna get a new baby. I knew in my heart it was a little boy. I had never gotten so excited before and that's saying a lot. We had bought everything and I do mean everything for the baby. On December the 1st I went into labour, and our baby was born on December the 2nd. He never breathed a breathe, never cried, and we didn't get to see his eyes. We named him Michael Ray Reed. My husband picked the name. He found it in the bible, and liked it because Michael was an angel. Now that kinda makes me sad to remember why he picked that name. Because we weren't expecting it I think it's been harder to grasp. It really feels like I've been in a dream and not quite woken up yet.
However, I know God knows what he's doing. He knows what's best and I am going to trust him to get me through the rough times ahead. I have actually been so blessed, I feel so good, almost like I never had a baby. We were told right away that the risk of infection was very high, but I wasn't worried. For those of you who know me, you know what a great thing that is. I have felt comfort since a couple hours after the authorities left. I was very scared when they were here, but god worked it all out. My husband and I really feel blessed to have those in our life who are here. It has been nice to have the brethren.
Now to tell the truth my goal for this week is to not be sad. I miss my baby, but God has greater plans for him. I don't like being sad and I don't think it's good for my kids. So I have told them no sadness allowed. We are happy that Michael gets to be with John and Billy as well as Grandpa Bobby. One day we will get to be with them as well. It's hard to say goodbye but now that we have we are going to celebrate.
That being said today is my birthday. I am... well... older ha ha. My husband had to work, but my kids woke up first thing to hug me and tell me Happy Birthday. Faith had wrapped a tube of chap stick a couple days ago and put it under the tree. She plans to present it in a little while. It's the heart that counts though and she has a very big heart. For my birthday I really wanted one day with no arguing or fighting between the kids. Almost as soon as I opened my eyes they had started..But I knew it was wishful thinking ha ha.
I really just wanted to blog because it's very healing for me and I wanted to share a poem for Michael...
Lord today I sent my baby to you
Please give him wings and let him fly
He's new at this so take it slow
Teach him how they flutter by
I'll miss him so though we'd never met
And I'll never know his smile
But you needhim and now he's yours
He was only mine a while
He'll never know pain
And he'll never know fear
For I know you will keep him near
And Now...
I close my eye's to say goodbye
And watch him fly away to you
Please keep him lord and love him till
I get my wings and join you too
You may think this is a sad poem, but I see such promise in the Lord and all he's promised that this poem makes me smile. God really does know what he's doing. He's gotten me through to this point in time. I also know that I now have three babies waiting for me when I gain my crown.
I really need your prayers, becasue I have had a difficult time with a few things. Faith hasn't been able to turn on her baby alive because when it cries it is a torment for me. I also have had a hard time holding my granbaby. I don't want these things to bother me and really need your prayers that I can overcome these things. I also have a really hard time at night and early morning being tormented. So please just remember me.
2 comments:
Ok, so I've been wondering when you were going to post. But I had no idea you were going through such a trial. Such loss. I am at a loss for words to comfort you. You might know that we lost our second grand baby in September. He was born into my loving and waiting hands and God chose not to give him life. I did not lose any of my children, God saw fit to grant them each the breathe of life. But I do know the sorrow and longing for my grandbabies that are not here. Yes, they do not ever have to feel sorrow or pain in their lives and I know I will see them and hold them one day again. But that does not make my sorrow here on earth any less; I cry many tears for them still. Sis. Barb I will pray earnestly for you! Please know that I will be on my knees begging God to give you and your family grace to get through this time. He is able to carry you through! I wish I could know you in person, hear how you are doing each day, help carry your burden just a little bit. But all I can do is be here, across the country praying for you. May God bless you on your birthday and make you have many more that will be happier yet.
Sis Lori P:
Thank you so much, for your prayers I am sure that's the only thing that gets me through anymore. I couldn't imagine losing my grandbaby. She is so precious to me. She has helped me get through some very hard days even though she's only 3 months old. It was very hard at first cause I couldn't hold her, but I prayed very hard for god to help me over come my sorrow and he answered me. Without the brethren my family and most of all God I don't think I could have made it (with my sanity intact) this far. But as I keep reminding myself God knows what he's doing and he's gonna help us through. Merry CHristmas to your family and I hope you have a great holiday season.
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