Mary or Martha
Today I contemplated am I Mary or am I Martha, which is the better to be? Martha worked hard for her family and made sure everything got done as Mary sat at the lords feet and was spiritually fed. I find that the 24 hours I am allotted each day doesn't get spent doing all I should in any aspect. My house could be cleaner, my bible could and should be read more, I could visit more. I can let my 24 hours each day become a worry about getting my house perfect, or visiting my friends, or reading my bible. But I find many days though I'm not idle, I just don't get what needs to get done finished. I have been working on a quilt since march, a quilt that usually takes me two weeks tops to finish. But it's still not done we are in July now, it's not because I am working on any other thing but because I have felt slighted or cheated. How can I make a blanket for a baby when I couldn't keep my own. In the end I find this selfishness revolting. How can I be so selfish about this beautiful gift. The fact that someone else had a healthy baby does not mean they are better or that I am worse, just that god has a plan and I wasn't meant to keep Gabriel. I also realized I didn't take time to mourn when it happened but now when all should be quiet in my life I find myself neck deep in the sorrow of losing a baby 7 months ago. Yes I accepted it as gods will at the time, but then later I allowed myself to question. It's made for a hard month. I realize I can take on to much then I just give up so I resolve to be more Mary hearted while being Martha minded. That sounds silly but Mary seemed to have an open heart ready to listen for spiritual strength, while Martha had the mind to serve her company and keep things flowing. I want the best of both, I want to be able to take care of my family but also be willing to listen when The Lord wants to feed me. Or when he wants me to feed someone else. I find in 24 hours I find the time once to pray, to actually close my eyes and talk with The Lord, I am confident he hears all my prayers but I really feel a connection when I am able to center myself on speaking with The Lord. This is my Martha heart, I need to banish it. I also realize we live in a Martha world, everyone is to busy living their lives and taking care of their families to notice their worth. Don't get me wrong being a mom is so very important. It's perhaps one of the most important jobs I have ever had. It is also pretty close to being the most rewarding, however in this day and age it feels like we allow the daycare provider or babysitter to have the most say with our children. Even when we don't, when we are home with them constantly so many of us just turn on the tv for a babysitter, yes that ones me. I have done that several times and really often when my youngest was a toddler because it was easier. That didn't make it right. I find we could take that hour and build good memories. Help our children bake cookies then take a plate to an elderly person in our lives. Or just go to someone's house and help them fold laundry and teach this to our children. I find I was better at teaching these things to my older girls than I have been with my little ones. I find so many places for improvement that I am actually over whelmed tonight. I need to pray about this some more and really think about what I can do with my day to not only make it more productive but to make it more spiritual. Just my thoughts today :-)
New adventure
I recently signed up with melaleuca. I received my first shipment today and I am in love with the products. I cleaned my bathroom top to bottom, cleaned the glass on the sliding glass door that I can't seem to keep clean, cleaned the white molding around it, cleaned my room, cleaned the hood to the stove, and mopped the kitchen floor. Plus I diluted some sol u Mel and sprayed all my carpet and furniture. I am very happy with how it cleaned, the only disappointment I had was when the rust wouldn't come off the bathroom counter, but I'm not giving up, gonna look for another product that will work. I filled six different spray bottles with six different cleaners and like I said I've used each one and love them so very much. They even smell better than they used to, the sol u Mel even has a lemony scent which is a nice change up. I am going to order some regular sol u Mel though. I haven't practiced the presentation though so I'm gonna start doing that today also. I got all the stuff I need for that now got notes as well as research on different products I can put together for my own presentation. I don't want to sound like everyone else, I want to fine tune it. Then I have to find people to present it to. Which I am super excited about...
The reason I started is because billy pushed me to, but now I'm glad he did. I am not a pushy person, I'm not good at selling things really but I think my enthusiasm for the products will help me out. So far I've had two appointments and neither of the two will probably sign up. But I am just gonna keep trying my best. Tammy the lady that signed me up was just like you know plenty of people that will want these products. I find she is wrong. I don't know plenty of people I know a few and a bunch who are already signed up grrr.. But oh we'll that can't stop me I have to keep trying with all I have. It's gonna be some work but I think it can help people out also. And I love the fact that the products are green. I still have a stock of cleaning products just in case this doesn't work out for me but I think it will in the end. If not I will order my own products every month.
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I feel all alone in cyberspace lol. Please if you read my blog leave a comment even if its just a smiley it would be nice to know someone out there reads my rantings :-).
Even if you just stopped by and read just a small post just leave me a smiley thanks!!
Faith healing
As I watched a special report Lisa ling did on faith healing today, I really identified in one way with the people in her story. At the same time I felt different like that's not how I see things. I have seen healing and I believe it was through faith. I saw a drowned boy live with no brain damage. He didn't breathe for at least 15 minutes, however a young boy at the coast who hadn't breathed for 8 minutes is severely brain damaged. I believe he was healed by his parents faith. I have seen my own child take his last breathe, my husband spoke a command and he breathed again for over an hour. In the end we lost him anyway because that was gods will, but he showed us his power. I saw my own daughter completely without life, i saw god give her life and heal her broken body. I have seen my own sister drink gasoline with no apparent side effects. I saw as a child my brother burn his back third and fourth degree burns today he has only one tiny scar from that. A friends son suffered from frequent convulsions, my husband spoke a command over the boy he has never to this day had convulsions again, over 12 years later. I could go on all day, but this show really made me think.
This church that was featured on this story is not affiliated with the church I belong to, in fact I had never heard of it before. But the minister in the story from what I saw preaches during a church service and people go to the front of the church during his ministry, he touches them or holds his hand toward them and shouts bam and they start shaking fall to the ground in a faint and then are healed. On one hand hearing these people talk they have great faith in god. But on another hand it is so different than what I've been taught and seen my whole life. I have been taught that the Holy Spirit is a meek and quiet spirit. I feel like I can read that. I have seen healing but it wasn't with shouting or glory for any human, all the glory went to god. There are no "healers" in my church so it was a little strange to see young people being trained in the art of healing. However and I want to make this clear I am not saying they are wrong or shouldn't believe the way they do. It is definitely different than what I have seen in my life, but that doesn't mean wrong in my book. I try to have respect for others beliefs even if I disagree because I hope and kinda expect the same respect in return.
In my life faith is so much more than the healing. Everyone is going to die some day. The ultimate faith is understanding it's gods will even when things don't go the way you expect. I just went through a pregnancy last year, I carried my little boy for 9 months and 9 days. I believed for the whole time with every part of my being that god could deliver my baby healthy and whole. However when my son was born it was apparent that was not in gods plan. Did this shake my faith? No, did I question my beliefs? Actually yes, with the result being I reaffirmed what I believed. I hurt so much losing this baby but I had prayed for months that god could help me accept whatever gods will in my life was. When I held my son for the first and last time in this life I knew god has a plan and this was his plan for my life. I was supposed to lay to rest another son. And I did with a heavy heart because I am selfish even in my belief that gods will is supreme and that his will is powerful. I was sad for myself.
I really needed this revelation brought on by this silly television show because I realize I have been slipping into my sadness allowing it to consume me. I have no right to allow myself to wallow in my sadness. But alas, I am human and I miss my sons who have been called home. On the anniversary of my oldest sons death this year I was pretty sad and wallowed in it, I haven't pulled myself past it yet because other things happening in my life that I don't understand compound my grief. I don't feel like its wrong to grieve but I do feel like I've allowed my grief to get the better of me. I need to be strong and deal with my individual issues and not allow it all to compound into grief anymore. Realizing this I am really needing to go for a walk and get out of my house more. You see most people don't know this but I suffer greatly with depression, if I allow the sadness in soon I realize I am steeped in depression. Yes all of this is related to my faith because everything in my life is related to my beliefs it is who I am. I do not go to doctors, I do not take my children to doctors because I feel like I put their health as well as my own in gods hands. I believe it's important to teach my children to believe in faith to believe in God. This is my job, I have failed in the past but I am trying my best to teach them right. I try to take my children to church on a regular basis, when they are sick or hurt I pray for them. I have seen the results of this in that they have been healed, they have been comforted.
I have experienced the other side and choose not to trust in man, my youngest living son had appendicitis several years (4) ago, billy and I took him in to the doctors and he was given surgery to remove his appendix. He did good but never seemed healed after surgery we took him back and the surgeon said he had developed a mass of infection so he went through surgery again. This was the scariest time I can remember for him in his lifetime. We were in the hospital a total of two weeks, but we saw the doctor about 8 times the whole time. I took care of my boy and was expected to stay in the room with him at all times. If I needed something I was supposed to call the nurse who with a very large caseload would sometimes take 10 to 15 minutes to answer. Then we came home, at home Ezekiel would call out and I would run he was allowed to have whatever he wanted that was within certain guidelines. No he was not allowed to have mass amounts of candy lol. But I did feed him whatever food he wanted for dinner. He was allowed to sleep on the couch, cause he wanted to. He was allowed to sleep with stuffed animals, which he wasn't before lol. But I realized the comfort you get at a hospital is very sterile and cold. At home it's very warm and welcoming. I would never change my choices because I learned so much about myself and my beliefs through my experiences. I wish I could spare my children my learning experiences but that's also how they learn so I'm thankful...
Loaves and Fishes
Yesterday in church we heard about the loaves and fishes and how Jesus fed the multitude (5000 not counting women and children) with just 5 loaves and 2 fishes. ( Matthew 14:16...) as we were going to the grocery store I really considered this, five loaves of bread and two fishes would not on a normal day feed my family...there are 8 of us...
Anyway, I brought it up to billy and told him I had really considered this and that I didn't think what Jesus fed to the multitude would feed our family. One of the teens in the back not sure who said we don't know how large the fishes were, and we considered that, it could have been very large fishes but Jesus asked them to bring him a basket so it wasn't like they were whales or anything, they were probably not very large fish. I thought how we have worried about having enough food before but I never considered this story. As a kid we were very poor, but I don't remember ever going to bed hungry...not even once. We always had food, billy says he remembers the same they didn't have a lot but he never went hungry, god always provided. I realized I need to have more faith sometimes concerning this. My grocery allowance should be plenty for the month but I get to worrying every month at the end of the month. We always do fine, but I always worry. I am resolving to give it to The Lord and no longer worry.
I remember a couple church dinners in palisade that we should not have had enough food to feed the amount of people that were there. But we prayed and we took home leftovers and everyone was filled. There is no way that's just a coincidence. God is good.
Yesterday after church I once again worried about the amount of food but once again everyone was filled and we had leftovers. I sure love it when my house is filled with company, to hear the kids running and playing..I even enjoy hearing the tattling when it's nothing serious ...these are the sounds of love and family..yesterday was one of those days we had laughter (lots of that) and very good conversations, and more laughter.. Then we took the teenagers skating it was just an amazing day. I'm so thankful for days like that...
My life's work
As I had a few quiet moments today, I reflected about how as a mom I don't like to punish my children.. Rewarding them is so much more fun...I love when they come home after being away for the day and just tell me story after story.. I love seeing the joy in their voices in retelling how much fun they had with the brethren. Meeting new people and being shocked at how much they enjoyed them..but as a mom it's my job to correct their bad choices and punish their misdeeds. That's not my favorite part but if I don't tell them in love what they did wrong and how to correct it, I can't expect them to know they were wrong. I have worked very hard to teach my daughters to help in the kitchen no matter who made the mess, to help the older sisters cleanup even if they're just one or two years older, and to cook a decent meal for dinners for company as well as church dinner and the sick..
I have tried to teach my sons to take care of the females in their lives, to lift the grocery bags in the house and open the doors so they don't have too. I've tried to explain to my sons how important it is to be a help and strength literally in life, to take out the trash even if its a pain cause it helps your sisters. To help with the dishes because you won't always have mom or your sisters around. To help fold laundry because those are your clothes too.
My children are in essence my life's work. I don't know what I will do when the last one leaves home. To be honest I worry about when the first one leaves home because as shebecame an adult she also became a friend in some fashion. I still instruct and teach her but most of my work is done, I am confident she has all the knowledge she needs to be a wife and eventually a mother. Not just bobby but charity as well, she has taken most of the things I've tried to teach and applied them.
As I contemplated all these things I thought about how great I feel when I see one of my children follow through with something I taught them even without my push or my reminding them. I expect it and they want to please me so they do it. But I realized its more than that now, it's part of who they are now. They help because they believe they should and that is a great feeling.
I realized this must be how my father in heaven feels when I live my life in a way that shows his light to those I'm around. I have spent many hours on my knees asking The Lord to lead me as a mother that when my job is done if only one thing I teach them gets through that they will love The Lord and want to serve him. I know god hears these prayers and I hope he answers them.
Another day no dollars
We have been really struggling lately. For one we just went on vacation to see Billy's mom in Kansas. We also saw a lot of other people including my mom and siblings. However, we spent a lot of money to go, it was needed just saying it costs a lot to keep gas in that big van.
Anyway, bobby had borrowed money from her dad and she finally got paid she thought she gave her dad a hundred dollars but he doesn't remember and the money is completely gone, we can't find it anywhere. It's so frustrating, and bobby has been super upset. Hopefully she finds it soon or we do.
I just don't like the idea that a hundred dollars is just floating around somewhere.
Elizabeth is supposed to be doing an end of the year research project on the invention of the light bulb ugg... No fun for me. I have to go get some books At the library for her and help her do the bibliography before Monday, then we have to do the web of ideas next week and then we have three days the next week to get the paper started and at least the rough draft done. No fun at all but we will prevail and get this paper done. Elizabeth has been doing really well on her school work but these papers are a real pain in the behind. It takes a lot to help her get these papers done!!
Billy took Daniel to work with him today so it's just Elizabeth and I at home today. It's kind of nice, but then when Daniel comes home from working with his dad I normally have to really get onto him because he feels like a man, so he treats his sisters like slaves. He has tried to boss me and talks back sometimes. But it just takes a couple days to get him back to the teen he actually is. Daniel does do well at work with his dad and hopefully it got through to him when I read to him in proverbs. I talked to him about the virtuous woman and how that's the type of woman he should seek for a wife. We discussed it together and he told me some of his ideas. He said if he's looking close enough he shouldn't have to date more than one or two girls. I told him sometimes its not as easy as that. Daniel didn't think his future wife should actually buy a field but he thought she should be thrifty and maybe use coupons. It was really neat to hear some of his ideas.
Garden oh garden
I got my garden planted yesterday evening. Billy and Daniel were out there helping me, Daniel would bring me the topsy turvy planters and I would fill them with plants. Billy built the frame to hold the topsy turvys and he also filled them with dirt after I put plants in them. Billy really likes the idea of me getting more topsy turvys and planting them. But I worry that it will be too much. I already have five tomato plants and that seems like plenty for my family. I also have two green bean plants and four cucumber plants as well as four cantaloupe and two jalapeño ..that seems like a lot to me.
Billy hasn't had a great amount of work lately, none yesterday and only a few hours today. It isn't looking good for the rest of this week and next week so prayers would be appreciated. It gets pretty scary especially since we were still catching up after our trip.
Also, billy lost a hundred dollars, it seems like when it rains it pours, and its always at least sprinkling at our house. But keeping a smile and seeing the funny side of life helps get us through the storms. Oh yeah we think the electricity is fixed and I'm so thankful. I was really scared we were gonna have a fire but billy made sure all the wires around the plugs and stuff were tight and it fixed it. Hopefully I'm not speaking to soon lol.
My crazy life
Okay so the weirdest things happen to us. Right now we are having issues with our electricity. It just goes off in the living room and dining room randomly. It can be off for thirty minutes to an hour then it pops back on. Okay this is kinda scary for me but billy thinks I'm being a baby. I am afraid it's a fire hazard, but I'm not sure..it still scares me.
Billy and I went tolunch today. He took me to Applebee's and I was so happy. Now I can carry both sides of our conversation if I need to and I usually do lol. Today was no exception then I noticed the man at the next table laughing so I said something funny just to make sure...yep sure enough he was eavesdropping lol...it was kinda funny cause he was way older and every once in a while he would chuckle or he would shake his head like he agreed or was disgusted it was very comical.
I found topsy turvys at the dollar tree, I am super excited, in past years I have spent ten dollars on these things...anyway I bought eight, they had miracle grow samples inside which was pretty exciting. The sample alone was worth a dollar lol. I am super excited about them I just have to get dirt to fill them and maybe a couple more plants.
I really am happy to be back blogging again it really is super good for me even if none of what I write means anything..
Just sad today
It has been a while since my last post. I lost focus and to be honest interest. Today I realized how much I miss it. I have actually had a pretty sad day. Nothing really happened and nobody called but I have been sad nonetheless. I don't really know what caused my sadness.. It has been 5 months since we lost Gabriel and I have been doing good, I thought I had worked through my grief in the right way. Then today was like being hit with a ton of bricks. But I decided to blog because I know it can be therapeutic.. It has helped in the past anyway.
I thought of all that god has done for me and where I was when we moved to this assembly and where I am now. I really have grown in so many ways. It's amazing looking back. I have grown as a wife, that I can support my husband more without complaint. I have grown as a mother that I can listen to my children. I have grown as a servant of The Lord in so many ways. But mostly I see I have grown as a human being.
When we moved here I can remember what a nag I was. I harped on anything billy did that I perceived as wrong and made sure he knew it was a mistake. Our marriage was in bad shape and we weren't seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. But not long after we moved here the sisters started reading a self help book. I really only agreed to get to know the sisters here better, but I took it seriously. I compared the things written I. This book to what I was taught and looked it up in my bible. I realized what a mistake I was making with my husband. In the way I treated him and in the way I talked to him. I was able to correct my naughty behavior as well as get over some anger I had towards him and we are doing better now than we ever did before I think. I realized he didn't need my negativity, that it just brought him down. I also realized that I needed to worry and work on myself. When I admit a fault I no longer say we felt or we feel, I say I felt or I feel. I don't feel like its right in most situations for me to put words in his mouth. I just felt like this book put into words what I was looking for but couldn't find. The advice I needed without telling someone what was happening in my life.
My children have grown and changed so much. I realized one day that I was still correcting my 16 and 17 year olds like they were 5 or 6. Don't get me wrong they have moments when they act that way, but part of that is I was still seeing them as babies. They are almost grown women and as they grew apparently I missed it cause bam their almost adults over night. I realized as a mom I need to back off a little. I don't need to hold their hands all the time anymore. I might want to but they don't need me to. Bobby has been engaged and broken that off, then been in two other relationships. This really is a big thing because she really is making some grown up decisions and I was still treating her like a kid. She needed to be treated like an adult. So I'm changing my ways slowly but surely. I even let her drive to the store by herself four times now!! Yes this is a big deal lol. Charity is also growing up, she is in GED classes and has to stand up for herself and ask for help. Watching the girls I have learned that I have taught them right, now I need to set back and let the fruit grow? Lol
When we moved here I completely had a part of myself reserved. I wanted to hold back a part so I would never be hurt like I was in the past. But I realized when living the faith it's all or nothing, I can't give a potion and receive all the benefit from it. So I have been trying to give more..
There are so many struggles in life, but overcoming and pushing through really is all I can do at this point. There will always be a broken part of me a place that is a hole, because I have lost my boys. However, I have also been blessed with my 6 children and wouldn't trade them for the world. I don't ever want to go through having another child. Yes I have changed my mind I. The past can't guarantee that would never happen again but at this point I don't ever want to go through another pregnancy. This last one was so hard on my body. Not just my body but my heart and mind. I was super sick but I felt like I was going to get to keep the baby. He moved around so much and I was so thankful then about a month before he was born I felt like something was different. I convinced myself it was just my imagination. Then a few days before he was born he quit moving, but I convinced myself there just wasn't any room left for him to move. Then he was born and never took a breath, just heart breaking. Then not only did I not have a baby but we had to get rid of all the baby stuff I had.. This is the second time I've been through this and I don't think I would survive it again. This time my arms didn't ache like they did the last time and I'm thankful for that.
I don't know why these things were on my mind so strong today but I felt like sharing so I did.
Back in the saddle again hee hee
Well it has been a little while since I blogged...Everything has changed except the important things. I am still married to Billy and we still have 6 kids ha ha. We now live in Portland...Finally...So far I love it here. I really feel a part of the brethren, especially the sisters which is what I needed. I feel like my husband and I have hit a new curve that is only going to make us stronger, and we have really great kids on most days.
I have found new friends, and reconnected with friends making our relationshiops different and better in my opinion. I thought it would be pretty difficult to move and feel a part but from the first Sunday as we set down the brother across from us handed us two song books and on the front page it said Bro Billy and Sis Barbra Reed, it made me feel special for that moment. Then after that there was a bbq at my brother and sister in laws, and I was able to visit with the sisters. I knew most of them from a distance as a kid but it was so fun to see their different personalities and their friendship. It was nice to see that friendship, sometimes we forget we are not just the people who go to church together but that we are family. I think that's what impressed me the most is that feeling of family, like they were all extended family. I could almost see everyone together at holidays, it was great.
My husband hasn't been working a lot since we have been here, but god has deffinately provided. He was promised 60 hours a week, but when we got here there just wasn't enough work to keep him busy more than one day a week. We said a prayer and the next day a brother offered Billy a side job, it got us the amount we needed to pay our phone bill. Then Billy was having me check daily for gigs or day labor on craigs list, he found side work with a lady who has work for close to a month. I was so thankful. Anyway we are going to make it and we can see that light at the end of the tunnel.
My kids as well as my husband are so happy and it's so great to see. The fun loving side of Billy is back and I am thankful. We are praying with the kids almost every night again which is such an encouragement to me. My kids have friends their ages and that is wonderful for them. I also am starting to read a book I was recently entroduced to called "created to be his help meet" by Debi Pearl. I was excited just hearing about it then I read the first couple pages and was even more excited. Anyway we will see if I really like it but so far I am very excited.
I am happy here also which is great for me. I think being happy helps me to feel better mentally as well as physically. I feel rejuvinated, and I hope I can stay that way. Now to find a home of our own....that we can afford...
I have found new friends, and reconnected with friends making our relationshiops different and better in my opinion. I thought it would be pretty difficult to move and feel a part but from the first Sunday as we set down the brother across from us handed us two song books and on the front page it said Bro Billy and Sis Barbra Reed, it made me feel special for that moment. Then after that there was a bbq at my brother and sister in laws, and I was able to visit with the sisters. I knew most of them from a distance as a kid but it was so fun to see their different personalities and their friendship. It was nice to see that friendship, sometimes we forget we are not just the people who go to church together but that we are family. I think that's what impressed me the most is that feeling of family, like they were all extended family. I could almost see everyone together at holidays, it was great.
My husband hasn't been working a lot since we have been here, but god has deffinately provided. He was promised 60 hours a week, but when we got here there just wasn't enough work to keep him busy more than one day a week. We said a prayer and the next day a brother offered Billy a side job, it got us the amount we needed to pay our phone bill. Then Billy was having me check daily for gigs or day labor on craigs list, he found side work with a lady who has work for close to a month. I was so thankful. Anyway we are going to make it and we can see that light at the end of the tunnel.
My kids as well as my husband are so happy and it's so great to see. The fun loving side of Billy is back and I am thankful. We are praying with the kids almost every night again which is such an encouragement to me. My kids have friends their ages and that is wonderful for them. I also am starting to read a book I was recently entroduced to called "created to be his help meet" by Debi Pearl. I was excited just hearing about it then I read the first couple pages and was even more excited. Anyway we will see if I really like it but so far I am very excited.
I am happy here also which is great for me. I think being happy helps me to feel better mentally as well as physically. I feel rejuvinated, and I hope I can stay that way. Now to find a home of our own....that we can afford...
The Greatest
Little boy in a baseball hat stands in the field with his ball and bat
Says, "I am the greatest player of them all"
Puts his bat on his shoulder and he tosses up his ball.
And the ball goes up and the ball comes down,
Swings his bat all the way around
The world so still you can hear the sound, the baseball falls to the ground.
Now the little boy doesn't say a word, picks up his ball he is undeterred.
Says, "I am the greatest that there has ever been"
And he grits his teeth and he tries again.
And the ball goes up and the ball comes down,
Swings his bat all the way around
The world so still you can hear the sound, the baseball falls to the ground.
He makes no excuses he shows no fear
He just closes his eyes and listens to the cheers.
Little boy he adjusts his hat, picks up his ball, stares at his bat
Says "I am the greatest when the game is on the line"
And he gives his all one last time.
And the ball goes up and the moon so bright
Swings his bat with all his might
The world's as still as still can be, the baseball falls
And that's strike three.
Now it's suppertime and his momma calls,
little boy starts home with his bat and ball.
Says, "I am the greatest, that is a fact,
But even I didn't know I could pitch like that!"
Says, "I am the greatest, that is understood,
But even I didn't know I could pitch that good!"
Today I woke up thinking of John. I thought I might share my memories. John was blonde haired and blue eyed. He was about 2 ft 10 inches, he had a very sturdy build, we always said he would make a great football player. John loved balls, every kind, but his favorite was baseballs and softballs. He hit mom in the face well a couple times, she just didn't react fast enough when he said "ball."
Billy worked out of town ALOT during Johns short life, but everytime he came home John met him at the door and Billy had to carry him everywhere for the time he was home.
John was the only boy at home, for a while anyway, my girls loved Shania Twain, for some reason he loved that song man I feel like a woman. He would sing it so loud and we would all laugh, Billy would get so annoyed. i think it just had a catchy tune ha ha. He loved the song Beautiful Star of Bethlehem. He would say faster mamma and I would sing it faster and faster till I jumbled the words. Then he would giggle so hard.
He had a race car I got for him when he was very small, it set on a shelf most of his life but the last couple months I let him play with it. It was a scale race car, whatever that means ha ha. Anyway after he passed away all of his little cars had raisins in them and this race car, had a broken window and then was stuffed with raisins. Raisins were his favorite I found them in his pockets and of course in all his toys. i found his racecar in a box in the shed the other day. That's probably why I have been thinking about him so much the last couple days. Anyway I still couldn't handle letting Daniel and Ezekiel play with it. I tried but when I started crying Billy took it away from them. I shouldn't be so attached to that silly car. It wasn't even his favorite, to be honest he didn't like to play with it cause it was pretty heavy. But it was the very first car I got him. I also found his baby blanket. I keep one for each of my children. Johns had Winnie the Pooh on it. "The Greatest" I cry everytime I hear it. We played it at Johns funeral, because he was so into baseball. We wanted him to like football but baseball was his game. Anyway a few months before he passed away we heard that song on the radio and Billy and I laughed and said this was gonna be John in a few years. It wasn't meant to be though. Anyway I know I am rambling, just missing my boys today.. You know what is kinda weird though. If John had lived he would be turning 12 in a little over a month, but I still picture him as a two year old. I miss him so much...I would really appreciate your prayers...I just feel sad this morning, it's not like me at all...
Says, "I am the greatest player of them all"
Puts his bat on his shoulder and he tosses up his ball.
And the ball goes up and the ball comes down,
Swings his bat all the way around
The world so still you can hear the sound, the baseball falls to the ground.
Now the little boy doesn't say a word, picks up his ball he is undeterred.
Says, "I am the greatest that there has ever been"
And he grits his teeth and he tries again.
And the ball goes up and the ball comes down,
Swings his bat all the way around
The world so still you can hear the sound, the baseball falls to the ground.
He makes no excuses he shows no fear
He just closes his eyes and listens to the cheers.
Little boy he adjusts his hat, picks up his ball, stares at his bat
Says "I am the greatest when the game is on the line"
And he gives his all one last time.
And the ball goes up and the moon so bright
Swings his bat with all his might
The world's as still as still can be, the baseball falls
And that's strike three.
Now it's suppertime and his momma calls,
little boy starts home with his bat and ball.
Says, "I am the greatest, that is a fact,
But even I didn't know I could pitch like that!"
Says, "I am the greatest, that is understood,
But even I didn't know I could pitch that good!"
Today I woke up thinking of John. I thought I might share my memories. John was blonde haired and blue eyed. He was about 2 ft 10 inches, he had a very sturdy build, we always said he would make a great football player. John loved balls, every kind, but his favorite was baseballs and softballs. He hit mom in the face well a couple times, she just didn't react fast enough when he said "ball."
Billy worked out of town ALOT during Johns short life, but everytime he came home John met him at the door and Billy had to carry him everywhere for the time he was home.
John was the only boy at home, for a while anyway, my girls loved Shania Twain, for some reason he loved that song man I feel like a woman. He would sing it so loud and we would all laugh, Billy would get so annoyed. i think it just had a catchy tune ha ha. He loved the song Beautiful Star of Bethlehem. He would say faster mamma and I would sing it faster and faster till I jumbled the words. Then he would giggle so hard.
He had a race car I got for him when he was very small, it set on a shelf most of his life but the last couple months I let him play with it. It was a scale race car, whatever that means ha ha. Anyway after he passed away all of his little cars had raisins in them and this race car, had a broken window and then was stuffed with raisins. Raisins were his favorite I found them in his pockets and of course in all his toys. i found his racecar in a box in the shed the other day. That's probably why I have been thinking about him so much the last couple days. Anyway I still couldn't handle letting Daniel and Ezekiel play with it. I tried but when I started crying Billy took it away from them. I shouldn't be so attached to that silly car. It wasn't even his favorite, to be honest he didn't like to play with it cause it was pretty heavy. But it was the very first car I got him. I also found his baby blanket. I keep one for each of my children. Johns had Winnie the Pooh on it. "The Greatest" I cry everytime I hear it. We played it at Johns funeral, because he was so into baseball. We wanted him to like football but baseball was his game. Anyway a few months before he passed away we heard that song on the radio and Billy and I laughed and said this was gonna be John in a few years. It wasn't meant to be though. Anyway I know I am rambling, just missing my boys today.. You know what is kinda weird though. If John had lived he would be turning 12 in a little over a month, but I still picture him as a two year old. I miss him so much...I would really appreciate your prayers...I just feel sad this morning, it's not like me at all...
There are days I'd like to be.....
Anywahere but here. I have loved Colorado, my husband and I have lived here for almost 12 years. We really feel that god has shown us it's time to move, however the things we feel need to be there aren't yet. First of all a job for my husband is very important. I can't even look at houses till we know how muh he will make there and what we can afford. I am so very nervous right now. We have had one yard sale that did better in two days than any other yard sale we have ever had. Probably all of them put together. I also was praying the Lord would provide a way, then the next day I was packing a few things I didn't need, and found some things that I dug out of the garbage at a fire job my hubby worked on. It has now come to light that my pretties may be worth a small amount that will deffinately help us get to where we need to be financially to move out of state. Anyway, it looks like the Lord is working it out but in his time and I am very impatient. This is a lesson I know but it's hard to learn when I am worried about my families spiritual wellfare. We are in a bad place right now, and we really need to get to a better place. We need to be needed, then everything will be okay I am sure. Just say a prayer for us, that we will know and be able to do the Lords will. We know God is good he will owrk it out we are just kinda nervous...
Pray for us again...
My husband and I really feel like we are supposed to move to Oregon. We are still praying and unless god changes our minds we will be moving in the next 8 weeks. We have lived here in Grand Junction For about 12 years so it will be a big change, but a much needed one. The little church we have assembled in 11 of those 12 years has closed it's doors and I really want my children to grow up in a smaller assembly. The other church here in town seems so large, and we have a hard time feeling needed. I know everyone says every single person is needed but it's so easy to say there are so many here I am gonna relax this week. I don't want to be in a place where I can allow myself to become lazy. I want to be up and about the Lords business. It's much easy to feel the need in a small assembly.
My husband was telling me the other day he really missed going out and fixing the cooler or mowing the lawn at our little church. I also miss going out to just wash a couple dishes or rearrange the cubbards. I just miss it and though we can't really replace what we had there we can find a similar spot to cut out a nitch...Lord willing we can. Just pray that we make the right decision and make it in the lords time.
My husband was telling me the other day he really missed going out and fixing the cooler or mowing the lawn at our little church. I also miss going out to just wash a couple dishes or rearrange the cubbards. I just miss it and though we can't really replace what we had there we can find a similar spot to cut out a nitch...Lord willing we can. Just pray that we make the right decision and make it in the lords time.
NO MORE BRIDGES!!!
So we went to pick up our girls and we had a wonderful time. We went to seaside then We went through Cannon Beach and to my horror we then visited Astoria. I say to my horror because I am absolutely petrified of the big bridges in Portland. Well if you have been to or over the bridge in Astoria you understand my horror.This is a couple pics my dear hubby took of the bridge in Astoria the Astoria-Megler Bridge.....
And this is one I found on the internet of the same bridge....
When we got there to Portland I mentioned how I had forgotten that fear but it hadn't faded in the least. So a couple hours later Sean decided to take us sight seeing. We went across the highest bridge in Portland and turned around at the bottom and came back, the cries of it's so high as well as look at the water, and the swerving did much to make me feel like vomiting. It helped to know we would have to stop on the bridge if I did vomit. So then he decides to show Billy the submarine...from the TOP OF THE BRIDGE. Oh what a loving brother...not only that he's driving across the bridge hugging the side of it so Billy can see down...I can still hear the tires squealing along the cement structure keeping everyone on the bridge (note...I may be exaggerating a bit here). I was to say the least a little disturbed but I have found yelling or screaming even vomiting would have encouraged both my brother and my husband who can't imagine anyone is really afraid of heights because the view is just so gorgeous. Well that wasn't the end I believe I conquered three bridges in Portland, the Freemont, the Morrison, and I think it was the Sellwood, not real sure of the name, but the one in Astoria almost conquered me. It was the worst.
Billy and Sean were in the front..Sean was talking and I was ignoring paying more attention to my sisters and what they were saying. Then Billy shows me the GPS and it shows the road just running off into the water then more land on the other side. So dumb ole' me asks how do we get over...my husband replies there's just a little bridge across. It ends up being the largest bridge I have ever seen in my life. I begged Billy to let me shop while they crossed it but he didn't want to have any part of our vacation ruined by my absence...It was more horrible than I imagined...starting with the kids talking about it crumbling under us and going as far as Billy shouting out at one point man that's the biggest bridge I've ever seen. To also Sean saying I bet someone would have plenty of time to think twice if they commited suicide off that bridge and ending with Sean pretending to run out of gas on the very pinnacle of the bridge. And then someone said, I'm sure Barbara will go for gas..you bet your bippy I would but I wouldn't be bringing it back I would be paying some driver to take it too them just hoping he was honest enough to stop and help them... not really sure if I would care if he kept going depending on how mad I still was...
As for the bridges I think I can overcome this fear if I take some time and work at it...As a child I was scared to death of the tunnels and now I can go through the Eisenhower tunnel which I think is about 2 miles long without any trouble. It's just gonna take some work. I know I can do it...or at least work hard enough till my fear doesn't show. Facing my fear is what I need to do......I hope....So here's to annoying brothers and just as annoying husbands ha ha. Anyway I guess I am done whining for the day ha ha.
We really did have a great time though. I absolutely loved seaside and as it was my husbands first view of the Ocean he also was enamored... He was like a child running up to and away from the waves it was very enjoyable to watch..I also enjoyed walking the beach with my sister, and the kids. Although I got to the end almost and realized I had saddled Marisela with my 3 younger kids without any help. It made me feel kinda bad. We then went to another beach at Seaside but it was so windy it was terrible. But then we got ice cream and I had the best hot cocoa I have ever tasted..Ya we'll be going back there hopefully soon. ha ha..
Seriously though we aare hoping to be able to move out to Portland in approximately a month and a half. We really need prayers that we are doing what we are supposed to do, we really want to go somewhere, but we want to do only the Lords will. We are waiting for one more confirmation and then we are ready to go. So like I said please say a prayer for us that we will know where to go...
Here are some pics of our wonderful trip and some of the things we saw...
The Ocean at Seaside Oregon
Billy walking along admiring the view at seaside
An area along Cannon Beach
Multnomah Falls
My handsom boy Ezekiel
All the kids we could get out of the van ha ha
I have one more thing to mention...
I have started a new blog names Ask Barb. Just for the fun of it really. Anyway if your interested in that it's at http://askbarb.blogspot.com I would be ever so grateful if youd come check it out and Leave a comment...
And this is one I found on the internet of the same bridge....
When we got there to Portland I mentioned how I had forgotten that fear but it hadn't faded in the least. So a couple hours later Sean decided to take us sight seeing. We went across the highest bridge in Portland and turned around at the bottom and came back, the cries of it's so high as well as look at the water, and the swerving did much to make me feel like vomiting. It helped to know we would have to stop on the bridge if I did vomit. So then he decides to show Billy the submarine...from the TOP OF THE BRIDGE. Oh what a loving brother...not only that he's driving across the bridge hugging the side of it so Billy can see down...I can still hear the tires squealing along the cement structure keeping everyone on the bridge (note...I may be exaggerating a bit here). I was to say the least a little disturbed but I have found yelling or screaming even vomiting would have encouraged both my brother and my husband who can't imagine anyone is really afraid of heights because the view is just so gorgeous. Well that wasn't the end I believe I conquered three bridges in Portland, the Freemont, the Morrison, and I think it was the Sellwood, not real sure of the name, but the one in Astoria almost conquered me. It was the worst.
Billy and Sean were in the front..Sean was talking and I was ignoring paying more attention to my sisters and what they were saying. Then Billy shows me the GPS and it shows the road just running off into the water then more land on the other side. So dumb ole' me asks how do we get over...my husband replies there's just a little bridge across. It ends up being the largest bridge I have ever seen in my life. I begged Billy to let me shop while they crossed it but he didn't want to have any part of our vacation ruined by my absence...It was more horrible than I imagined...starting with the kids talking about it crumbling under us and going as far as Billy shouting out at one point man that's the biggest bridge I've ever seen. To also Sean saying I bet someone would have plenty of time to think twice if they commited suicide off that bridge and ending with Sean pretending to run out of gas on the very pinnacle of the bridge. And then someone said, I'm sure Barbara will go for gas..you bet your bippy I would but I wouldn't be bringing it back I would be paying some driver to take it too them just hoping he was honest enough to stop and help them... not really sure if I would care if he kept going depending on how mad I still was...
As for the bridges I think I can overcome this fear if I take some time and work at it...As a child I was scared to death of the tunnels and now I can go through the Eisenhower tunnel which I think is about 2 miles long without any trouble. It's just gonna take some work. I know I can do it...or at least work hard enough till my fear doesn't show. Facing my fear is what I need to do......I hope....So here's to annoying brothers and just as annoying husbands ha ha. Anyway I guess I am done whining for the day ha ha.
We really did have a great time though. I absolutely loved seaside and as it was my husbands first view of the Ocean he also was enamored... He was like a child running up to and away from the waves it was very enjoyable to watch..I also enjoyed walking the beach with my sister, and the kids. Although I got to the end almost and realized I had saddled Marisela with my 3 younger kids without any help. It made me feel kinda bad. We then went to another beach at Seaside but it was so windy it was terrible. But then we got ice cream and I had the best hot cocoa I have ever tasted..Ya we'll be going back there hopefully soon. ha ha..
Seriously though we aare hoping to be able to move out to Portland in approximately a month and a half. We really need prayers that we are doing what we are supposed to do, we really want to go somewhere, but we want to do only the Lords will. We are waiting for one more confirmation and then we are ready to go. So like I said please say a prayer for us that we will know where to go...
Here are some pics of our wonderful trip and some of the things we saw...
The Ocean at Seaside Oregon
Billy walking along admiring the view at seaside
An area along Cannon Beach
Multnomah Falls
My handsom boy Ezekiel
All the kids we could get out of the van ha ha
I have one more thing to mention...
I have started a new blog names Ask Barb. Just for the fun of it really. Anyway if your interested in that it's at http://askbarb.blogspot.com I would be ever so grateful if youd come check it out and Leave a comment...
My Grandbaby is adorable
As the title inferred I am obsessed with the grandbaby. She is so smart and adorable. Megan is almost 6 months...well tomorrow she will be. We absolutely adore her. I got her a ball that is made out of the same kinda material as the gellee shoes from the 80's. It is basicallt a bunch if holes in the shape of a ball ha ha. Anyway she would try to chew on it and when it wouldn't go in her mouth she would bang it against me like that would fix it and then she would try again. She gets that from me. If it's broken and you hit it against soemthing it might just fix it ha ha. Anyway, then shewas laying on the bed with me last night and she was giggling up a storm so I decided to take a video for the girls. She would stop even smiling for me as soon as I turned the phone on. She is just to smart for her own britches ha ha. She has also figured out how to roll over even when I have her sitting up in the middle of all my pillows. Like I said smartesr baby ever...Anyway didn't really have a lot to say just wanted to brag on Megan...
Sad again
Okay so I just erased everything I had said before because it was a rant about how much I already miss my girls with them being gone for only 5 minutes. But I decided to be more upbeat. I really will miss them make no mistake about that but I know they will get good out of it. Also it will be a learning experience for them. Everyone in Oregon please take good care and be reaaly nice to my babies..
So can't talk about that anymore I will cry some more ha ha sniffle sniffle.
I am at a place where I need to re-evaluate my life. I mean where my life is, my religion is sound, my marriage is sound (don't ask me when I'm mad ha ha), I have a great family, and then I think of my personal warfare. I am failing somewhere and I need to fix it. So even though my load has doubled, I have to do Bobby and Charity's chores ha ha. I have resolved to read my bible way more.
I have been talking to a sister here who has had some struggles with understanding Jacob. Mostly because he had to be dishonest to get his brothers birthright. However, god could have made him born forst and it would have just been his birthright. So why did he have to lie, (when god hates liars) and cheat to get what was orfaned to be his. I can't say as I understand either so I decided to read it through again, just to see where I was and how I felt. I have read the story many times, it is my favorite story in the bible. But I want to read it from this new perspective.
12:03
So I read Genesis 25:23
And the Lord said into her, Two nations are in thy womb,
and two manner of people shall be separated from thy bowels:
and the one people shall be stronger than the other people;
and the elder shall serve the younger.
I guess I am to simple because that says it all to me god said it would be and it was. I do kinda think why did he need his fathers blessing when he already had the birthright. Jacob in my estimation got it back in the face after he served seven years for Rachel and got Leah then had to serve seven more for the wife he really wanted. And Esau could have stayed angry but he forgave him in the end.
I have always loved this particular scripture, and reading it again really gave me strength. It's what I needed, I plan on reading everyday and working on getting myself where I need to be. But right now I have a house to clean and laundry to do. My girls left all their chores for me today ha ha. That's okay I guess I need something to keep my mind busy anyway. So spring cleaning here I come. I also have to get lots of boxes cause I am packing everything that I can so we can get out of here ha ha. We just have to figure out where we are going.
So can't talk about that anymore I will cry some more ha ha sniffle sniffle.
I am at a place where I need to re-evaluate my life. I mean where my life is, my religion is sound, my marriage is sound (don't ask me when I'm mad ha ha), I have a great family, and then I think of my personal warfare. I am failing somewhere and I need to fix it. So even though my load has doubled, I have to do Bobby and Charity's chores ha ha. I have resolved to read my bible way more.
I have been talking to a sister here who has had some struggles with understanding Jacob. Mostly because he had to be dishonest to get his brothers birthright. However, god could have made him born forst and it would have just been his birthright. So why did he have to lie, (when god hates liars) and cheat to get what was orfaned to be his. I can't say as I understand either so I decided to read it through again, just to see where I was and how I felt. I have read the story many times, it is my favorite story in the bible. But I want to read it from this new perspective.
12:03
So I read Genesis 25:23
And the Lord said into her, Two nations are in thy womb,
and two manner of people shall be separated from thy bowels:
and the one people shall be stronger than the other people;
and the elder shall serve the younger.
I guess I am to simple because that says it all to me god said it would be and it was. I do kinda think why did he need his fathers blessing when he already had the birthright. Jacob in my estimation got it back in the face after he served seven years for Rachel and got Leah then had to serve seven more for the wife he really wanted. And Esau could have stayed angry but he forgave him in the end.
I have always loved this particular scripture, and reading it again really gave me strength. It's what I needed, I plan on reading everyday and working on getting myself where I need to be. But right now I have a house to clean and laundry to do. My girls left all their chores for me today ha ha. That's okay I guess I need something to keep my mind busy anyway. So spring cleaning here I come. I also have to get lots of boxes cause I am packing everything that I can so we can get out of here ha ha. We just have to figure out where we are going.
A new day, A new attitude
I realized very early in the morning I have no right to the feelings I am feeling at this moment. Oh not about the boys or leaving here. But I was annoyed at some people for a decision they made. However looking at the situation through my rose colored glasses I thought I was entitled to be annoyed. Well, I'm not. My annoyance or anger won't change a thing it happened it was a decision that was made, and I just need to worry about helping to get things back to normal. I have had some hard feelings because I didn't think it was necassary, but it wasn't my choice to make it was done and there's nothing I can do about it.
I also have a great fear I feel like talking about today. This is something I need to overcome, so please pray for me in this. I have a great fear of losing another child. I break out in a cold sweat almost when my kids tell me they don't feel well. If they vomit it's even worse. And when they get fever I almost go out of my mind with fear. I have prayed that god would help me but I feel like it's my cross to bear. I feel llike god has helped me, don't get me wrong but I feel like I need to overcome. We went to Alaska two years ago almost and it was the hardest trip, in that I missed my kids so much. I had never spent more than two nights away from any one of them up to that point in their lives. Even when Billy and I would leave for an evening or two for our anniversary I would make him go get the kids so they could see our room and swim in the pool. I know I won't have them forever though and I want to enjoy every minute that I do have them. The day is coming in just a few short years that I will have to give my daughters away to their husbands and they won't be mine anymore. It breaks my heart to think of that but I also know it's the best for them. So I will be able to on that day. By sheer force of will ha ha. I have a hard time just letting my kids go. My brother Sean and his wife Marisela are here, and my husband really feels like it would be good for them to go to Oregon for a couple weeks, but it scares me to death. Not that Sean and Marisela wouldn't take good care of them, but they aren't me ha ha. I know that's silly, but I think of all the bad things that can happen, what if Bobby broke her arm, I wouldn't be able to get to her, or if Charity got the flu, I wouldn't be able to sit there and take care of her while I worry. Also Charity has had a lot of back pain lately what if she throws it out, I won't be there to help her at all. I worry like no other, however I also see the great strength my girls can get from this trip. I also see that we would be one step closer to knowing where we are supposed to be. I see how this could help them spiritually as well as emotionally. I have kept them in a little box their whole lives and I know I need to move the walls away and let them start to find their own way, but it's hard for me. They are my babies. But I do think if CSAP testing can be put off my babies are going to Oregon for two weeks. I hope I am doing the right thing cause I am scared. Now you know how much I think of myself that only I could comfort them if they got sick or hurt ha ha..
I also am very tired of being told I shouldn't claim my son. BJ does not share my blood, however he has as big of a place in my heart as my other children. I can't change that, I have known him and been a part of his life as long as my husband has. We found out about him together, and in fact I have spent more time with him than Billy has. Because I spent a lot of days with him while Billy worked. Also if anything is of my husband no matter what it is I have an obligation as a sister, as well as a human being to give it my best to love whatever it or they are. I also have a great ability to love, especially children, that's just who I am and I can't just change it or do it differently. Also, how people think my emotions work, won't change how they really do work. And anyone who feels like they don't think he should be claimed as part of their family are missing out on a great blessing. BJ has been a blessing in my life, without him we wouldn't have Megan for one, and we adore that baby. Another reason is we wouldn't have Shayla in our lives and we also adore her. One more he's made me laugh when I felt like curling in a ball and crying till there was nothing left. When I thought life couldn't possibly ever get worse he made us laugh and realize life goes on and sometimes bad things happen to good people, but what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. I also feel this way because I was adopted, brought in from darkness into a great family. Not by my choice or your choice but because the lord saw something in me that he wanted. How can I deny my family, my son, when I wasn't denied.
I also have a great fear I feel like talking about today. This is something I need to overcome, so please pray for me in this. I have a great fear of losing another child. I break out in a cold sweat almost when my kids tell me they don't feel well. If they vomit it's even worse. And when they get fever I almost go out of my mind with fear. I have prayed that god would help me but I feel like it's my cross to bear. I feel llike god has helped me, don't get me wrong but I feel like I need to overcome. We went to Alaska two years ago almost and it was the hardest trip, in that I missed my kids so much. I had never spent more than two nights away from any one of them up to that point in their lives. Even when Billy and I would leave for an evening or two for our anniversary I would make him go get the kids so they could see our room and swim in the pool. I know I won't have them forever though and I want to enjoy every minute that I do have them. The day is coming in just a few short years that I will have to give my daughters away to their husbands and they won't be mine anymore. It breaks my heart to think of that but I also know it's the best for them. So I will be able to on that day. By sheer force of will ha ha. I have a hard time just letting my kids go. My brother Sean and his wife Marisela are here, and my husband really feels like it would be good for them to go to Oregon for a couple weeks, but it scares me to death. Not that Sean and Marisela wouldn't take good care of them, but they aren't me ha ha. I know that's silly, but I think of all the bad things that can happen, what if Bobby broke her arm, I wouldn't be able to get to her, or if Charity got the flu, I wouldn't be able to sit there and take care of her while I worry. Also Charity has had a lot of back pain lately what if she throws it out, I won't be there to help her at all. I worry like no other, however I also see the great strength my girls can get from this trip. I also see that we would be one step closer to knowing where we are supposed to be. I see how this could help them spiritually as well as emotionally. I have kept them in a little box their whole lives and I know I need to move the walls away and let them start to find their own way, but it's hard for me. They are my babies. But I do think if CSAP testing can be put off my babies are going to Oregon for two weeks. I hope I am doing the right thing cause I am scared. Now you know how much I think of myself that only I could comfort them if they got sick or hurt ha ha..
I also am very tired of being told I shouldn't claim my son. BJ does not share my blood, however he has as big of a place in my heart as my other children. I can't change that, I have known him and been a part of his life as long as my husband has. We found out about him together, and in fact I have spent more time with him than Billy has. Because I spent a lot of days with him while Billy worked. Also if anything is of my husband no matter what it is I have an obligation as a sister, as well as a human being to give it my best to love whatever it or they are. I also have a great ability to love, especially children, that's just who I am and I can't just change it or do it differently. Also, how people think my emotions work, won't change how they really do work. And anyone who feels like they don't think he should be claimed as part of their family are missing out on a great blessing. BJ has been a blessing in my life, without him we wouldn't have Megan for one, and we adore that baby. Another reason is we wouldn't have Shayla in our lives and we also adore her. One more he's made me laugh when I felt like curling in a ball and crying till there was nothing left. When I thought life couldn't possibly ever get worse he made us laugh and realize life goes on and sometimes bad things happen to good people, but what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. I also feel this way because I was adopted, brought in from darkness into a great family. Not by my choice or your choice but because the lord saw something in me that he wanted. How can I deny my family, my son, when I wasn't denied.
Sooooo Sad
Today I am so very sad. The church that we have called our home church for right at 12 years has finally been closed. At first I thought it wouldn't bother me, but I am gonna miss that little building and the few families that were there this last year or so. I have so many wonderful memories there. And sadly part of the reason we fought so hard for it was because of our memories of little John John. Every memory we have of him in church is in that little building.
We have also made the decision to leave here. It looks like we are going to the Tulsa area at this moment...unless god changes our hearts. We have had two places on our minds but we really need to visit to see how we feel. Anyway that's also hard for me and don't laugh but it's because I feel like I am leaving my boys. I know they are with the Lord but it just feels like I am abandoning them. I don't haardly ever visit their graves, because I was kinda taught not to. But it still feels like I'm as close as I can be. I know that very silly but I can't help my feelings. I don't know if I will even post this because it feels like I'm losing it even to my own ears.
Maybe that's why I should post this. I need help right now. I need prayers, I want to be a willing worker of the Lord, I don't want to be weary in well doing. I want to serve the Lord with a smile on my face. I find however that I can't do it without the brethren. I want my newly baptized daughters to be in a place that they can recieve instruction and learn the faith the right way. That they can learn all the things they should do for the brethren. That they can learn to be servants to god and his people. Not that they can't in this place, but I don't feeel like I am close enough to teach tthem at this moment in time. I feel like I have taught them well up to this point but the teachings not over. I just need prayers.
We have also made the decision to leave here. It looks like we are going to the Tulsa area at this moment...unless god changes our hearts. We have had two places on our minds but we really need to visit to see how we feel. Anyway that's also hard for me and don't laugh but it's because I feel like I am leaving my boys. I know they are with the Lord but it just feels like I am abandoning them. I don't haardly ever visit their graves, because I was kinda taught not to. But it still feels like I'm as close as I can be. I know that very silly but I can't help my feelings. I don't know if I will even post this because it feels like I'm losing it even to my own ears.
Maybe that's why I should post this. I need help right now. I need prayers, I want to be a willing worker of the Lord, I don't want to be weary in well doing. I want to serve the Lord with a smile on my face. I find however that I can't do it without the brethren. I want my newly baptized daughters to be in a place that they can recieve instruction and learn the faith the right way. That they can learn all the things they should do for the brethren. That they can learn to be servants to god and his people. Not that they can't in this place, but I don't feeel like I am close enough to teach tthem at this moment in time. I feel like I have taught them well up to this point but the teachings not over. I just need prayers.
Oh sometimes it causes me to tremble....
Today I was thinking of the great power of the lord. I love the lord and Hope I show that in my daily walk, and as I went about my day I glanced at the mountains and saw such great beauty. Not just great beauty but majestic beauty. I also thought about that song "Consider the Lilies". I worry for so many things then I think about that and god is telling us don't worry he's got our backs. I am the worst especially when the kids get sick or I am going through a hard time personally. I think my two oldest daughters have went through more in their short life spans than I have in my 30 odd years. They hardly ever complain and if they do it's over the little stuff. They have taken everything and let it roll off their shoulders. I'm not saying it's not hard for them, but they go through it and then they find a bright spot to look at. Anyway I just thought how I should let more things roll of my back like they do.
God has been so good to me and mine, we could have have had a way harder time at different times and through different trials. However, god has always been there, and walked us through. In fact it actually seems like he carries me more than he walks beside me.
I have always thought of how we lost our boys but today I have a new outlook, they are not lost just gone before me. It really helps to have a better outlook. My sister in law had a miscarriage just the other day and I went to see her last night. She seemed to have an awesome outlook and I am very thankful. She really wanted this baby, and it's very hard that they can't keep it however, they are gonna keep going. It's good to see their strength.
So many have been sick lately with the flu, I have seen such mercy as it has skipped my kids but I worry so much for the ones it hasn't skipped. I know how scared I get when my kids are sick, and I always worry for everyone else too. Tomorrow we are gonna try to make it to Delta for church. It has been quite a while since we have been there and I am excited to try again.
God has been so good to me and mine, we could have have had a way harder time at different times and through different trials. However, god has always been there, and walked us through. In fact it actually seems like he carries me more than he walks beside me.
I have always thought of how we lost our boys but today I have a new outlook, they are not lost just gone before me. It really helps to have a better outlook. My sister in law had a miscarriage just the other day and I went to see her last night. She seemed to have an awesome outlook and I am very thankful. She really wanted this baby, and it's very hard that they can't keep it however, they are gonna keep going. It's good to see their strength.
So many have been sick lately with the flu, I have seen such mercy as it has skipped my kids but I worry so much for the ones it hasn't skipped. I know how scared I get when my kids are sick, and I always worry for everyone else too. Tomorrow we are gonna try to make it to Delta for church. It has been quite a while since we have been there and I am excited to try again.
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